December 22, 2010

Falling

Have You Ever


So Grandpa came home today. He seems to be doing good, which is nice. We'll see how things go.

For the last couple of weeks, my mom has been asking me what I want for Christmas. Other than the obvious, cloths, drumsticks, and some truck parts that need to be replaced, I haven't had much of an answer for her. Just stuff I need. What I really want to say to her, is that I'm gay, and I want your continued love and support. I think that would be the greatest gift ever.

I'm still pretty sure both my parents will be fine with me being gay, but it's still an unknown, and I hate unknowns. I'd love to just know what they're reaction would be, before it happens. Over the last few months there have been plenty of opportunities to tell them, or at least my mom, but I've always chickened out. I would be sitting there thinking about it, and I could feel myself getting physically nervous. My hands would start to shake, and I'd start to sweat. Not to mention the erratic thoughts going through my head. What should I say? How will they take it? Do I really want to do this? Do I really NEED to do this? So in the end I always backed out.

The one thing I'm really excited about this Christmas, is that my cousin Roger, who I came out to earlier this year, will be coming to town for about a week. He flies in the day after xmas, and leaves New Years Eve. I can't wait to see him, and give him the biggest hug EVER. There were times right after I told him, I thought about driving the 11 hours to see him at school, just to hug him. Then I realized that would cost about $500 in gas, so I didn't. I want to thank him, tell him how much he means to me, and how grateful I am that not only is in my life, but that he didn't reject me after I told him. I think it's going to be an emotional time for me, and I better plan it so we're not surrounded by the rest of the family at the time.

So that's what I'm most excited for about Christmas. Yes, the rest of the family stuff will be fun, but with the recent gloomy events, this is a great way to help pick myself up.

If I don't talk to you guys before, have a wonderful and safe Christmas, however you choose to celebrate it. That is, if you celebrate Christmas. If not, be well, and still be safe.

143

_Kevin

After my more sad song at the top, let's get the festivities started! What better way to celebrate Christmas, the holiday recognizing Jesus' birth, than with Bad Religion. (I'm horrible, I know.)

December 21, 2010

Update

Well we got the call today. At 5:39 PM central time, Uncle John died. I'm sure he went peaceful, the way we all hoped. He will be missed.

His wife and kids will be joining us for Christmas this year, so it'll be nice to catch up with them, although it'll be kinda crowded.

My grandpa's 'numbers' didn't do what they wanted, so he's still in the hospital and will be starting dialysis tomorrow. They'll implant a catheter type thing into his neck in the morning, and then in the afternoon he'll get his first dance with it. It takes about 6 weeks for the thing in his arm to heal, so 3 days a week he'll get the dialysis in his neck. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with it. We're hoping/expecting him to come home from the hospital on Wednesday, and rested up for Christmas come Friday.

It will definitely be a gloomy Christmas, but I'm going to try and stay positive. Honestly, I can't wait for this year to be over. 2010 wasn't my best year. It even started off wrong. 2 hours into the new year, and my car got towed. Not my idea of a fun new years eve, or day at the impound lot.

Here's hoping 2011 is better!

143

-Kevin

I realized this is my 50th post. Not what I would've wanted it to be, but that's life. I'd just like to thank all the people who follow my blog, and all the anonymous readers who haven't made themselves known. I'm very grateful for all of you, and I'm glad you are in my life. I love you all.

December 20, 2010

Free Your Heel...

...Free Your Mind.

Hey guys.

I've been a downhill, or alpine, skier my whole life. It's something that I've always loved, although have neglected in the last couple of years. I think a lot of that is because I've skied out west in the mountains, and nothing here can compare, so it's rather boring. But every year I make a trip up to a place called Lutsen, in northern Minnesota, and that's always a blast. The best skiing for hundreds of miles.

My family are big skiers too. Both of my dad's brothers moved out to Utah in their 20's to become 'ski bums'. They worked at a ski resort in the mountains, and skied in their free time too. My dad's middle brother is still out there doing it, and it's pretty much his whole life. Eventually, my brother Erik wants to move out there and follow in their footsteps.

One of the things my uncle picked up out there back in the day, is telemark skiing. In a nutshell, it's like downhill skiing on cross country skis. Your heels aren't attached to the ski, and you turn differently.



You don't have to watch the whole thing. It gets kind of redundant and boring after a couple minutes, but you get the idea.

Well, my dad saw his brother do it, so he wanted to as well. So he's been telemarking since his 20's too. As a kid I would watch him do it, and thought it was the coolest thing ever. So of course, I wanted to try too.

I figured we just got a buttload of snow last weekend, so why not go skiing this weekend. I talked my dad and brother into it, and we started preparing. Now, like I said, skiing gets kind of boring around here, so I figured what the hell, why not try to learn to telemark. So I talked with my dad, and he said he would try to teach me. Fortunately, our feet are pretty close in size, so I could use all of his equipment, since most ski places don't rent telemark stuff.

So we loaded up the van and drove an hour south on Saturday morning to Welch Village ski area. Not a great place, but fun all the same. Unfortunately, a lot of other people had the same idea I did, so the place was pretty busy. We got geared up and headed out to the slopes. Right away I knew this was going to be hard, as even walking with the skis on is different and weird. But I got on the chair and was determined to make it work.

My dad gave me some pointers, and then basically said, go. I set off, and things were going well to start. Then I realized that I needed to turn wider than I'm used to, and that created some traffic problems. The other skiers weren't expecting me to go so wide, and things got tight. I was doing about two turns, then having to stop and wait for people to go by. I was starting to get used to the skis, and how they work. I did a couple of runs like that, but then decided it was too busy to keep trying. So I gave up and skied normally, while still on the telemark skis. Which in itself was a new and different experience.

So I've decided I like telemarking, but it's a lot of flippin work. I think I need to go to a local ski place around my house on a weeknight, when it's not busy, so I can take up more of the hill to learn. But I definitely want to keep learning. I've caught the bug, so to speak. Hopefully one day I'll be like this guy.



As far as my grandpa, he's still in the hospital. His kidneys still aren't working right, and whatever numbers they're watching, keep going up, when they should be going down and stabilizing. I don't really know what it all means though. Tomorrow, he'll either be released, if his numbers calm down, or they'll have to start dialysis through the neck. I don't really understand that, but it's worse than through the arm. Something about increased risk for infection and some other stuff that isn't good. So I'll know more tomorrow.

Somehow, his brother John is still alive. They moved him into hospice, and he's pretty much waiting to die. My mom said today he became non-responsive, so it's just a matter of time. My grandpa took the news better than we thought, but he's still sad. He really wants to see him, but it just can't happen. John's wife offered to have John's kidney transplanted into my grandpa, but my grandpa isn't stable enough for a transplant. But it was still a really big gesture for her to offer. Family is a wonderful thing.

So that's about it I guess. Christmas is almost here, but it's kinda hard to be excited with all the drama happening. I think it will be a more subdued Christmas this year. But it makes you appreciate what you have in life.

Hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

Three videos in one post? Yeah, why not? Be on a Fugazi kick lately.

December 14, 2010

R.I.P.

So my grandpa went into the hospital today. He's been having kidney problems for a while, and it's inevitable that he will go on dialysis, just depends on when. His kidneys are working at about 10 percent, which is just about as low as they want to go. So he went in today to get some tests done. Tomorrow he is getting a special tube thingy implanted into his arm for the dialysis. He was only supposed to be there for today, and then go to the doctor's on Wednesday, but he didn't respond well to something they gave him and they want him to stay til Wednesday. The doctor said he would show up tomorrow instead of Wednesday too for some reason.

We all knew it would happen sometime, just didn't expect it to be this soon. The best case scenario on dialysis I think is 2 years. Pretty shitty. He's only 78, so not too old either. He should be fine for the immediate future, but no one knows for how long.

If all that wasn't bad enough, my grandma got a call today, saying my grandpa's brother is in the hospital with pneumonia, and has 24 hours to live. There were some complications with his Alzheimer's, and for all I know, he could be dead as I type this. I think the 24 hours started around 2 or 3 this afternoon.

My grandpa doesn't know this yet, and my mom, her sister, and my grandma are going to tell him in the morning. Although he may be dead by then. It really sucks, because my grandpa can't see his brother one last time, or say goodbye, because he's in the hospital too. Too bad they aren't in the same one.

I didn't know John (my grandpa's brother) real well, as I haven't seen him much since I was a kid, but what I do remember of him he is a great man. My mom really loves him, and is really shook up about all of this. It all happened so fast, and the timing with my grandpa isn't great either. My mom wants to go see John, but her main priority is to be with her father, to tell him, and in case something goes wrong with him.

So all in all, it really fucking sucks. I've got some weird thoughts going through my head, and know I won't sleep, so I took some sleeping pills to help. The right amount, not half a bottle, so don't worry. I can feel them starting to kick in, which is good.

I'll know more tomorrow, and I know tomorrow is going to be a hard day for everyone. John lived a good, full life, and I hope he is able to find peace.

143

_Kevin


December 9, 2010