What Was Once, Is Reduced To Remembrance

Sorry it's a day late. The power was out for a bit when I got home last night, and then I just didn't want to mess with this. So here's part two! Again, it's long.


Hey guys.

Another slow day at work, so here's part 2.

We woke up around 9 on Thursday and started getting our stuff packed up. It had been a late night, so we were moving rather slow. It's surprising how spread out your stuff can get in under two days. Once we had everything packed up in the Jeep, he headed out to Vic's house to get the camper. Vic wasn't there when we got there, so we just threw everything from the Jeep into the camper and hooked up. Left Vic a note saying thanks for everything, and we were off. We stopped at a gas station for gas and smokes, and then hit up another food cart for philly cheese steak sandwiches, which were amazing by the way.

Finally, we got on the highway to get out of Portland. We decided to go to the coast, so with Demian driving and Erik navigating, we tried to pass the time. We were on a main highway for a while, but then Erik sent us on a smaller county road that took us through a National park. It was slow going, climbing up steep grades with the camper, but we pushed on. We had Widespread Panic blasting and the sun was shining. Couldn't get much better. Erik decided to take us to a little place outside of Oceanside and after about 2 hours, we made it.

We weren't sure where to go, so we just drove around looking. We didn't want to go to a public beach, since they were so busy. After about 20 minutes of driving around, we passed a little guardrail on the side of the road, with a nice view of the ocean. So we pulled over on the side of the road and went to look. It was then that we found a little hidden path down to the water. I decided to take a video of it, which I posted a couple weeks ago. It was a really cool path, and I'm annoyed my cell phone video wasn't better quality. You walk into the trees and under the canopy, and there are a bunch of manmade steps, what looked like railroad ties, slowly leading you down. There were benches every so often if you got tired too. Then, the path split. One to the left, one to the right. I was following Demian and JT, who went left, so I went right. Then I was led along until I reached a fence. Looking over the fence was a drainage shoot, creating a waterfall onto the beach. I then backtracked, and continued down the steps. Every once and a while, you'd get a really cool view of the water, but a lot of it was hidden by bushes and trees. Finally I got to the beach. It was stone for awhile, and then became sand.

There was a small creek from the waterfall slowly making its way to the ocean, and big cliffs surrounding us. After planting Jerome the Gnome on the beach to watch everything (don't ask. They have a traveling gnome with them for some reason.), we walked over to some boulders against a cliff to look around. It was really cool being on the rocks and watching the tide come in. We couldn't get too close to the water on the rocks, or we'd be wet. Hung out there for a while taking pictures, and then went back to the beach.

Everyone else started looking around for cool rocks and stones, while I just walked around enjoying the beautiful scenery. We spent another 4 hours there or so, before it started to get dark, and we had to go find a place to camp for the night. We climbed back up the path and jumped in the Jeep.

We didn't want to stay at an RV park or 'traditional' campsite if we could help it, because they're so expensive. So we drove around looking at a couple different places as we came to them, but nothing what we wanted. It was getting dark, when Erik found a road that went up to Mt. Hebo. So we started the long, slow climb up the pass with camper in tow. Demian could only drive 15 miles an hour at best, so it took a long time. After an hour, it started to get really foggy, and then finally the road leveled out. So we got out to look around, and found a place big enough to park the camper. Got everything situated and started making dinner. A while later while dinner was cooking, we went outside again and the sky was crystal clear. Then we got an idea of how high we really were. What we thought was fog, was really just some clouds passing by. It was really cool, and Erik took some really cool pictures with his camera with the exposure set long. We ate dinner, and then watched a movie to fall asleep.

When I awoke, JT was already up and I could hear him talking to someone. I got a little worried that it might be a park ranger or something, since I wasn't sure if we should be camping there. I got up and went outside to go pee. As I'm peeing, a guy with dreadlocks walks up and asks if I want a beer. I just look at him and say, 'I just want to pee, and put shoes on.' He said ok, and walked away. I went back in the camper and put on some clothes and shoes. Erik and D then woke up, and I told them about the dreadlock guy. They were intrigued, so we all went outside to see what was going on.

It turns out, we parked in a little parking lot at the top of the mountain. There was a Volkswagen Jetta parked behind the camper and the guy with the dreadlocks (whose name I can't remember for the life of me) and a girl both in their mid 20's were leaning against the trunk drinking beers with JT. Again, they offered beers, but since it was about 10 AM, we declined. Erik and I went in to make breakfast, while they kept talking. I guess they were on a road trip from Illinois, and were even at the same festival in Missoula that Erik, D, and JT were at. They were just living the hippie lifestyle, I guess. All throughout the morning they kept offering beer and Sass (some weird drug thing, I don't know) Erik and D took beers, but passed on the Sass. JT started eating some though.

After breakfast, we walked around to take in the view of where we were. You could see the ocean in the distance, and some smaller mountains all around us. It was a really cool location. The night before, while we were driving up, D made the joke that he didn't want to have to drive down in the morning, in case the brakes went out in the Jeep. I said they should ride the bikes down, and I'd drive. They were kind of scared of driving, but I was excited and thought it'd be fun. Apparently, they remembered that, and were all excited to bike down. So since they had already been drinking, I had to drive down. D continued to mess with the brakes on his cruiser, since they still weren't working that well. After a bunch of tinkering, he got them to his liking, and we packed up. We said goodbye to the hippies and they left too.

The guys got on the bikes and I jumped in the Jeep. I was a little nervous since I hadn't driven the camper with the Jeep yet, but I started out with them behind me. It was slow going, keeping it in first gear and using the engine to keep the speed down. We saw a mile marker, and discovered we had come up 6 miles, so now we had to go down 6 miles. I think Erik said we were at about 3,500-4,000 feet vertical, so it was rather steep. There were a few close calls with other cars coming around blind corners too fast, but we made it down safely. JT did manage to fall off his bike twice though.

At the bottom, they threw the bikes on the rack and hopped in the Jeep. We had decided to go over to the mountains today, so we headed back towards Portland. Again, it was slow going, but we made it back in about 2 hours. Once we hit Portland though, we got stuck in traffic. I must say, trying to drive a manual with a heavy camper in stop and go traffic SUCKS. It took us about 2 hours to get from one side of the city to the other, which should have only taken about 15 minutes without traffic. Then it was about another hour and a half drive to the Multnomah Falls area. Driving through there was rather hectic because of all the people, but we finally got to a place we could park, and where we wanted to hike. We started on the path to Punch Bowl Falls, with Jerome the Gnome strapped to my pack. About 50 yards in, a sheriff pulled up next to us ( we were still on a service road) and said she just had to ask about the gnome. So Erik and D explained it, and then she let us take a picture of Jerome on the hood of her car. Erik says they have more pictures of Jerome than either of them.

The hike started out pretty easy, but there were some spots where the path was only 2 feet wide, with a pretty big drop on one side. The area was beautiful, and the weather was perfect for hiking. Not too hot, and just enough sun to poke through the trees. After an hour or so, we got to Lower Punch Bowl Falls. We hiked down to see the falls up close, and it was really cool. Lower Punch Bowl is only maybe 20 feet high, but still powerful. We were down on the riverbed above Lower, but below Upper, so it was cool to see the different perspectives. After hanging out there for a while taking pictures and enjoying everything, we went back to the main path and headed towards Upper Punch Bowl. Upper is probably 50 or 60 feet high, and we were above it, across a small canyon and to the left a bit. We could see a spot right next to the falls where people could jump (probably not supposed to, but when has that stopped anyone?) but it was too cold and too high for us to want to do it. We didn't spend as much time there, but still took some pictures and had a good time.

Then we started the hour and a half hike back out. It was really cool hiking down because the sun was starting to set, so it looked like everything was on fire. We got back to the Jeep, and Erik pulled out the map to find a place to camp. He decided on Lost Lake, somewhere in a National Forrest, but basically in the middle of nowhere. It was about 40 miles up the highway, and then another 20 miles or so on county roads. We stopped at a liquor store on the way, and then, again, started a long climb up some steep grades. It was even slower than the night before, I could only drive about 5-10 mph. I think it took us about 2 hours to get to the top and then we pulled into a National Park campsite. Erik expected to have to pay, but the sign said $25 a night, so we decided no. We didn't want to drive all the way back down, since it was 1 in the morning. We ended up pulling over on the side of the road and setting up camp. Made some more dinner, and then hung out bullshitting for a while. It was my last night there, so I was rather sad. I was having so much fun, and it was nice being with my brother again, that I didn't want to leave. Finally fell asleep at 3:30.

Woke up early to make sure we had enough time to get to the airport. Made a quick breakfast and then packed up. It was really cool being able to see everything up there that we couldn't see in the dark the night before. It took us about an hour or so to get down, and then trekked through the county roads back to the highway. It was about an hour drive back to the airport, so we headed on. When I left Minneapolis, the security lines sucked, so I wanted to get there early. I figured it was Saturday of 4th of July weekend, so it'd be crowed. But when we got there and I checked, the place was almost deserted. I said goodbye to everyone, and then walked away. It was sad, but I'd had a good time, so it was worth it. Went through security and went to my gate. Since I flew through everything, I still had 2 hours until boarding. So I grabbed some lunch and walked around. I couldn't even really people watch, because there was hardly anyone there.

It was while I was sitting around the airport that I realized what I had just done for the past 5 days, was what Erik and D's life was like now. They just drive around to whatever cool place they want and hangout for as long as they want. It made me really jealous. Now I think about what they're doing at any given moment, and there are so many possibilities I can't fathom. I think they're in Seattle right now, but I don't know for sure.

I had to fly from Portland to Salt Lake City, and then catch a connection to Minneapolis. My layover in SLC was only 30 minutes, so I was a little concerned about missing it. But worse case scenario, I have family, including my cousin Roger who I came out to, live there. The first flight was boring, and I slept the whole way. I don't even remember falling asleep. I awoke when we started our decent. I was happy to hear that we were still on time. I was pretty close to the front of the plane, so I got off fast. Then I looked at the monitor with flight information on it, and I only had to go to the gate next to the one I was at. I was worried I'd have to run halfway across the airport. So I got on the plane, and fell asleep again. I guess I was still tired from all the exercise and fresh air over the last few days. Landed in Minneapolis at 11:30 at night and called my dad to pick me up. After hours of being in airports, I finally got to go outside and smoke a cigarette, which was wonderful. What wasn't wonderful, was the humidity. I'd gotten used to there being little or no humidity and no bugs that it was a big shock. I was sweating in minutes. It shouldn't be 80 degrees and 85% humidity at midnight in Minnesota!

So that's pretty much it. It was a great time, and I wish I could do it again. Although yesterday my dad talked to Erik, and Erik said that the Jeep can't really pull the camper anymore. It's too hard on it, and they're tired of driving 40mph everywhere. So they're going to buy a pickup out there and leave the Jeep at a friend's house in Seattle. Which means my dad and I are going to fly out there and drive it back. We don't know if Erik and D will still be there, but it'll be a nice mini adventure. It's about 1600 miles, so it should be right around 24 hours of drive time. And this time we (HOPEFULLY) won't get stuck in a snow storm! I'm not sure when we'll go, but sometime within the month.

Also, I finally ordered my audio interface today before work, so that should be here in a week or two. I can finally start recording our cd, and I can record good drums for my random cover thingys that I've been doing! This is going to be so cool! It'll be like having a recording studio in my house. Now I just have to learn how to use everything. I'm getting a recording program from my guitar player, so that'll be a whole new can of worms to learn. But it'll be fun.

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

I wish I had taken more pictures in the city, but they're all on Erik's camera. But here's the best thing I saw in Portland





The view from the road where we parked the Jeep







ME!



The view from above the drainage shoot



And below





From the beach, looking up




Looking at the beach from the rocks we were climbing on



A cove we found




L to R: JT, Demian, Erik



JT and Demian, shot from the mouth of the cove



Erik, the crazy fucker was barefoot



The view from the first campsite, on Mt. Hebo



L to R: two random people with their dogs, JT, Erik, D. Upper Punch Bowl Falls is to the left, Lower to the right



Part of the cliff above their heads from the last picture



The view up river of Lower Punch Bowl



Side view of Lower Punch



The pool Lower dumped in to



Up river shot of Lower



A kind of crappy picture from down river of Upper Punch Bowl (Hey, they're all from my phone, I think I can have one bad picture :-P)



And finally, a picture from our new location of Upper Punch Bowl Falls



Damn that was a lot of pictures to upload. Hope you enjoyed them!

Portland Part 1

Hey guys.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get this post out. I've been working every day since the 4th, and haven't had the time. I'm at work now, but it's super slow, so I'm writing it here and I'll post it tonight when I get home. Just a heads up, it's a little long.

Anyways, so I guess I'll start at the beginning. I woke up on Tuesday the 28th and started packing. My flight was at 3:30, so I got to the airport around 2. This was my first time flying by myself, so I was a little nervous. I'm pretty good with flying, but I usually just follow my dad through the airport. After dying from old age in the security line, I made my way to the gate. I still had about 30 minutes until boarding, so I grabbed some lunch. Got on the plane, and everything went fine. I sent Erik a text saying I was on the plane, and I'd be there around 5 PM, Portland time.

The flight was boring, and when we landed it was cloudy so I couldn't see the mountains. I called Erik when I got on the ground, and he said they were in traffic, but only about 15 minutes away. I worked my way out of the airport and went outside to smoke a cigarette and wait. It had already been about 25 minutes, so I called Erik again. He didn't answer, so I called Demian and they said they were still in traffic, but would be there in five minutes, for real this time. So I waited some more, just being glad to be off the plane, and to smoke a cigarette.

Finally, I see this green Jeep with those orange lights on top that the construction workers use, and I knew they were here. I threw my bags in the back of the Jeep and we climbed in. We did the usual small talk, how was the flight....blah. Then they started telling me a little about their trip. The previous weekend, they had gone to Regeneration Festival to see some bands. Apparently, between the two of them over 4 or 5 days, they had smoked 9 packs of cigarettes, and drank 2 gallons of booze. So they weren't feeling too hot. We drove to this little mexican place that Demian's friend recommended. We grabbed a couple burritos and headed to his friend Vic's place.

At this point I still hadn't seen the camper, so I was wondering what kind of shape it was in. The first thing I saw when we pulled up outside Vic's place was the camper, looking just like it had when they left, just a little dirtier. We went up to Vic's deck and ate our burritos and shot the shit. I told Erik and D that I had gotten us a hotel for the two nights we were in Portland, with my dad's reward points from traveling so much for work. So we loaded up some of their things and headed to Vancouver, WA, leaving the camper at Vic's again.

It was about a 25 minute drive from Vic's to the hotel, and I got my first real chance to look around. Vic lives in the more ghetto part of Portland, so there wasn't much to look at, until we got to the river and crossed into Washington. Then I got my first glimpse of the Portland skyline, and it was awesome. Got to the hotel and checked in, then just kind of kicked back for awhile unwinding. We were getting hungry again, so we went to the grocery store for dinner. I had seen on the hotel map that there was a bbq area by the pool, so we bought some brats and chips to grill.

It was kind of raining, and was rather cool, so we didn't go in the pool, but we tried the hot tub, but it was even colder than the pool. So we hung around at a table and grilled our food. By this time it was about 10 or 11 at night, so we were by ourselves, which was nice. We got caught up on what had been going on with each other, and then we headed back to the room to go to bed.

We woke up around 11 or so, and started getting ready to spend the day biking around Portland. Erik and D were both excited to take a shower, since it had been about a week since they last had one. Finally got all geared up and headed out about noon. Since we were going to see A Perfect Circle that night, we drove into Portland and parked in a parking ramp, then got on the bikes. That way, we wouldn't have to bike back 10 miles after the show.

Erik and Demian brought their own street/mountain bikes, and then Demain brought one of his cruiser bikes as an extra for when people came out. So I was on that. As we were going down the first ramp out of the parking area, the brake cable on my bike snapped, so I had no brakes. I threw my foot down and was slowly able to stop without hurting myself. Demian looked at it, and decided he would ride it brakeless until we could get to a bike shop. So I jumped on his Specialized and we headed out again. When we got out of the parking garage, we ran into two police officers on horseback and asked them for directions to the nearest bike shop. It was only a few blocks away so we went there pretty slowly. Got to the shop and bought a new cable, but they wouldn't let us use any of their tools, and D didn't want to pay them to put it on. The guy at the shop said there was a bike rental shop by the river that had tools you could use for free, so after getting directions and buying some homemade, organic popsicles from there, we went to the river. I must say, it's rather difficult riding a bike one handed through the city trying to eat a popsicle.

We biked along the river until we found the bike place, and got to work. It was a really cool place. They had basic tools outside tied with a cable to a post, but if you needed something that wasn't there, you could ask the person at the counter, and you could use anything they had. So D installed the new cable, and while we were there we double checked everything else on our bikes to make sure they worked. D tried his brakes again, and they worked, just not very well. He then decided he needed new brake pads too. So we kept biking, while keeping an eye out for another bike shop. After biking around aimlessly for 20 minutes, we found another shop and he bought new pads and had them installed. We were starting to get hungry, so we started looking for a place to eat. We passed a couple of different food carts, but weren't very satisfied with them. Finally after an hour or so, we found a food cart that made burgers. You could get normal burgers, or ones with Spam, an egg, or instead of a bun, have it with a grilled cheese on top and bottom. I got a bacon burger, but Erik went for one with Spam on it. They were pretty good. D didn't feel like a burger, so he got some Pad Thai from the cart next door.

We were pretty full, so we walked our bikes through town for a while, going wherever we felt. Around 6 we went back to the Jeep to drop off our backpacks and grab the concert tickets. Then we biked over to the concert hall where the show was. We locked up the bikes and got in line for the show. After a very serious pat-down by security (the worst I've ever had at a concert) we were in. They told us that if we used our cell phones while inside, we would be kicked out. So even in the foyer area outside the hall we couldn't be on the phone. Erik got in line to get some t-shirts and D went in line to get some beer. I just stood around watching everything, getting more excited as the minutes passed. Doors were at 7, and the show was supposed to start at 8. The opener went on right after 8, which kind of surprised me. Usually they are later than what was scheduled.

The opener was an all female, Japanese punk band. I had looked up one of their videos on Youtube, and thought it was alright, so I was kind of excited to see what they were like live. Unfortunately, I was rather disappointed. The rest of the songs they played didn't sound much like the song I'd heard, and it wasn't as good. But they closed with the song I knew, so that was cool.

Erik and D went to get another beer while APC got set up. I stayed in the seat because I didn't want to miss anything. When I got into A Perfect Circle, it was 2004, right before they put out their new album. But they didn't tour for the album, and I never got a chance to see them live. Then they broke up, and I didn't think I'd ever get a chance to see them, so I was ecstatic to hear that they were touring again, and I'd get to see them. The venue didn't allow food or drinks in the seats, so they had to stay out and drink them before they could come back in.

The lights dimmed, and Maynard and Billy started the first song, but Maynard missed his cue, so he stopped and they started over. About 30 seconds into the song Erik and D came back, and I told them what they missed. They were disappointed, since Maynard had made some little smart ass remark. He nailed it the second time though. I don't really remember too much of the show. It all kind of blends together into this haze of awesomeness. But I do remember when they were doing the song The Outsider, Maynard forgot the words for the first verse and asked the audience to help him out. So it was a huge sing along with 2500 people. After the song, he apologized, claiming that he was closer to 50 than 40. Then he asked if we wanted them to do it again to get it right. Of course everyone screamed YES! but then he laughed and said too bad, then went into the next song. It was an amazing hour and a half, and I was really disappointed when it was over. Although they did play a new song as the last song, which was cool. Usually when a band is done playing and the house lights don't come back on, that means they're going to do an encore. So when the lights didn't come on, we all stood there waiting and yelling for them to come back. But after about 30 seconds, the house lights came on and the crappy filler music started playing. Everyone was pissed because we weren't expecting it to be over. So we slowly made our way outside into the cool night air.

Before we got back on the bikes, D talked to their friend JT, who is from Minnesota, and they ran into at a festival in Missoula, MT. While he was with them, he had left his jacket and ID in the camper. He had somehow gotten a ride out to Portland, and wanted to meet up to get his stuff back. It turned out he was only about 3 minutes from where our hotel was, so we said we'd pick him up. We jumped on the bikes and headed back to the car. Since Erik and D had been drinking, I was automatically designated the driver for the night. We loaded up the bikes on the back of the Jeep and headed back to Vancouver. After getting a little lost, we found the bar he was at and went inside. Since it was a Wednesday night, the place was pretty dead. They had a couple drinks and caught up on what had happened since they last saw each other, and it was decided JT would spend the night with us, since we weren't with the camper. So we headed back to the hotel and proceeded to figure out what to do for dinner, even though it was after midnight. We called the front desk, and they said only Domino's was open, so I jumped online to find a late night place in Portland. You would think that when you Google 'late night food in Portland, OR' you would get places open late, but every place that came up closed at 11 or 12. Not very late night in my book. After probably 20 minutes, I found a place called The Original Hot Cake and Steak House, open 24 hours. I grabbed some directions and we were off. It was about a 30 minute drive and then we pulled up to this rather rundown looking place. But it was filled with a bunch of younger people, so it looked good. We walked in, got a table, and ordered our food. I must say, I was blown away with their hot cakes. I'm not usually a huge breakfast person, usually only at night like that, but I don't know if I've ever had better pancakes.

We hung out for a little bit, then headed back to the hotel since we had to check out by noon. Got back and watched a little tv and then hit the sack, tired from all the exercise and fresh air.

Well I think I'll stop here for now. This got a little longer than I thought, and we're only halfway done. If you made it through, good for you!

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Anthony

Hey guys. I promise the post about my trip is coming. I have part 1 typed up and ready to go, but I want to share this first.

I don't know if I've mentioned my friend Anthony very much, other than he was the one who helped me with A Night On The Street.

I met Anthony about 6 years ago, when I was just a few of months sober. He was around the same amount clean as I, just a month or so less. We had a lot of the same interests, and were both big metal fans. We started hanging out more and more, and now we're like best friends. Lately, we've been playing pool once a week or so. We both get off work, then go spend a couple hours shooting.

Tonight was no different. I got off work, and it was raining and storming like none other. I almost didn't want to drive in it, but I like driving in horrible conditions. I picked him up and we went to play. Pretty usual night, although we weren't quite on our game tonight.

After a couple hours we left. It's about a 20 minute drive from the pool hall to his place. We were about halfway back listening to Alice In Chains, when the song Nutshell came on. There's a line in the song, about halfway through, that goes:

And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

I heard this, and thought, 'what the hell? Why not?' So I decided to tell Anthony I'm gay. I'd been thinking about telling him for a long time now, and felt the time was right. He is friends with a lot of gay people, so I didn't think it would be a problem. MY problem was trying to get the words out.

Basically, this is how it went.

'Can I tell you something?'
'OK'
'It's important, and rather hard to say'
'K'
Silence....way too much silence. At first, I used the excuse that I was driving, but that didn't last long. (Also, probably not the greatest idea to do this while driving. Oh well.)
Some nervous laughter and false starts on my part.
'You don't have to say it if you don't want to'
'No, I want to, I just don't know how'
'Oooh, I better light up a cigarette. This sounds juicy!' (Ha, asshole.)
'Haha. OK. Basically.....I'm gay'
'Really?'
'Yeah'
A brief pause that was killing me inside.
'Well that's cool, dude'

Then we spent the rest of the drive back to his place and then about 20 minutes sitting outside talking about various things. I guess he already suspected I was gay, and it wasn't really a surprise to him. That kind of caught me off guard, but it made sense after he said why, and I thought about it. Basically, he picked up on the fact that I never have a girlfriend, that I don't look at the hot women as they pass, and that when he comments on a girl, I usually don't. Fuck. I need to get better at that if I plan on staying in the closet a little longer. I thought I was doing an alright job.

Then he said how hard it must be for me to be living a double life. I told him he didn't even know the half of it. He was able to relate somewhat from his using days, always having to hide who and what you are and what you're doing, but it's not quite the same. But he said he understood, and that nothing, NOTHING between us will change because I told him. And again, just like with Roger, he thanked me for telling him. I still find that weird. I know it's because they appreciate that I trust them enough to tell, but I feel that I should be thanking them for being ok with it, and I do.

This was the first time I had said I'm gay to someone out loud. I've typed it a bunch, thought it a bunch, and said it out loud to myself, but it was really, really weird hearing myself say it to another human being. The words came out of my mouth, but it didn't feel like I said it. It was weird.

Anyways, I just thought I'd share that with you guys. I CAME OUT TO SOMEONE! IN PERSON! THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW! YAY!

Hope you guys are well!

I'll post the first part of the trip in the morning. (Well, my morning, you're afternoon :-P)

143

_Kevin




We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh...Oooh...
Oooh...Oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Oooh...Oooh...
Oooh...Oooh...

The Outsider

Hey guys.

I'll get to the trip in the next post. But I was at work today and saw something that made me both happy and sad that I wanted to share.

A group of 5 kids came in, between 14 and probably 6. They were walking all over the place looking at candy and whatnot, rather getting on mine and Aaron's nerves (thinking about shoplifting, or a mess). Anyways, I noticed the two 14 year olds (or there about) seemed very close. At first I thought they were just good friends. I dismissed the idea they were brothers because they looked absolutely nothing alike. But then, when they were by themselves over by the back of the store, I saw them kiss. And not just a peck on the check, but lip to lip contact. Seeing this, made me happy for them. The fact that they had found someone to be with was nice, and that they, for the most part, weren't afraid to show their love was also refreshing. What made me a little concerned though, was that one of them bought condoms. Seems a little young to me, if they were going to use them for what I assumed, but I guess at least they are using them.

What made me sad though, was that I don't have something or someone like that. And I never will as long as I stay in the closet. For a while now I've really been craving someone to have a relationship with. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a boyfriend. Just someone I know, in person, who I can be completely myself with.

It doesn't help that the few gay people I do know are either taken, or I don't find them attractive. So even if I did come out, there still isn't a boyfriend possibility in my life. I've accepted the fact that a few of my friends that I do find attractive are straight, and there's no chance there. It's kinda like what the women always say in the movies, 'why do all the good ones have to be straight?'

Oh, and after I finished ringing up the kid with the condoms, when I gave him his change, he said 'I love you'. To me. It was a joke, but damn it didn't help my mental state. I see this display of affection I want, and then they (indirectly) mock me with it. So I was in a weird mood for the rest of the night. Fortunately, it was only about an hour or so before close, so I didn't have to deal with it long. I came home and learned some A Perfect Circle on guitar, which helped distract me.

So I just thought I'd share that with you guys. I don't like feeling lonely, and at least here I can get some attention from a couple of people.

Hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

Listed M.I.A.