Right On Fucking Through

For a friend





Some people are rotten deep down to the core
Some people got the kick of a bull
and the lies of a chronic thief in store
Some people try to take you out if they can
But I'll go right through them I'm the battering ram

Been running my whole life and I'm still running

Integrity is something you never had
Reverence to your lies as a person you're bad
Falsified living on the truth you're gonna choke
I'll just sit back and watch you cut your own throat
Back biting hypocrite you're a liar
Telling lies is what fuels your fire
Once you get discovered the bullshit ends
I ain't stopping


BATTERING RAM
RIGHT ON RIGHT ON
RIGHT ON RIGHT ON
THROUGH YOU


Some people got no reliance some people are shit
Some people got no validity not a bit
Some people want to break down what's inside if they can
But I go right through them I'm a Battering Ram

Been running my whole life and I'm still running

The man who talked shit I shut him down he's through
Beat down the lies till they're black and blue
He talked so much shit but not today
I'm a steam engine get outta my way
I disregard the attempt to take me out
I curse the thought of another bout
but it's my method I ain't stopping

BATTERING RAM
RIGHT ON RIGHT ON
RIGHT ON RIGHT ON
THROUGH YOU

Ah yeah right on through
Ah right on fucking through

Some people are rotten deep down to the core
Some people got the kick of a bull
and the lies of a chronic thief in store
Some people try to take you out if they can
But I go right through them I'm a Battering Ram

BATTERING RAM
RIGHT ON RIGHT ON
RIGHT ON RIGHT ON
THROUGH YOU

2 Eight Balls and an 1/8 of Weed

Is it just me, or does it seem like the interesting stuff I've been talking about lately revolves around Anthony?

Had another interesting conversation with him yesterday, although this time not so nice. I guess to make things a little easier, I'll give you a little background information.

When I first got sober 6.5 years ago, I was scared and lonely. Plus I think my mohawk was a little off-putting to some people. So I was trying to meet people that had some similar interests as me, other than getting clean. About 3 months into it, I met Anthony. He was around my age, I think he's 5 years older than me. And he liked metal and punk, like me. We had a lot of interests in common, and we hit it off really well right away.

I was a kid who drank too much, smoked weed, and didn't go to school. He was a guy who drank if he wanted, smoked a lot of weed, and did WAY too much cocaine. But we were both sober, and we grew close. For years he was, and still is, one of my best friends. We've done pretty much everything together. We've always been honest with each other; although sometimes not quite timely with that honesty. It took me months to tell him about my relapse, and it wasn't until this year that I told him I was gay.

The last couple months he's been having some money problems; not having enough for rent or groceries or whatever. So since I have a job and some extra money, I've been helping him out. He'd been losing some days at work, so it just wasn't there. It got to the point where he owed me around $500 when he started paying me back. Kind of. He'd give me a little here, a little there. But he'd always borrow more than he'd pay back. Since I'm still at home, rent free, it wasn't a huge deal for me. I knew I'd get it back eventually.

So yesterday we're hanging out at his place, and we're outside smoking a cigarette, when he says he needs to tell me some stuff. Usually, that's how he'd start off when he needed some money, so I just rolled my eyes and said it'd be nice for once to hear something good from him and not something bad. He laughed, but said it was still something bad. So I figured he needed some more money. I wish he had.

He then proceeded to tell me that for the last 5 months or so, he'd been doing coke and smoking weed again. And it wasn't just like a little bit. At first, his tolerance was pretty low, since it had been so long since he'd done it. But being the addict that he is, that didn't last long. He said it had gotten to the point where he was doing 2 eight balls of coke (3.5 ounces per ball, 7 ounces total. Which, according to my sources, averages to about $200 a ball) and an 1/8 of weed a day. Now I must say, at this point I was completely shocked. Anthony had always told me that if he started doing cocaine again, he'd die. And I can see that if he had continued doing it, he would have.

I was trying to process all of this, and then the thought popped into my head, and I made the mistake of asking, "How much of the money that I've given you went to coke?" Feeling my stomach drop as I asked it, and really, really not wanting to know the answer. And he replied, "All of it."

We continued talking about it, and he's been sober for about 3 weeks now, and getting back into the program full force, and all that jazz, which is good. But now I'm left feeling conflicted. One the one hand, I'm happy that he's sober again, and that he told me everything. The other hand, I'm sad that it happened at all. And I'm disappointed that it happened, and that he didn't come to me for help. And I'm hurt that he used me for money to get drugs. And I feel like I dropped the ball; that I should have seen or noticed something. I'd been seeing him every or every other week during the whole time. And I'm also fucking pissed that he lied to my face so he could go get high. It's so much, that I don't know what to feel. Being one myself, I know you can't really be that mad at an addict, because that's just how they are. They lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want. But I feel that because of the history we have, it should have been different. But I also know, that history doesn't mean shit.

I talked to my dad about it, who is also sober, and he understood all of those emotions, but didn't really have an answer for me. So I don't know what to do or think. Do I treat him the same, like nothing happened? Do I kick his ass? I don't want to lose him as a friend, so I don't want to just walk away. But I don't know how to react. I was used, and that is not a good feeling. I don't know. I feel so numb to it right now. Help?

143

_Kevin

An Interesting Conversation

I had with Anthony tonight while playing pool. He was telling me about his friend Tony and his wife (whose name I can't remember right now). They've been married for a few years now, and have 3 kids. One 6 year old, and two 1 year old twins. They've always had a great relationship, love each other, great parents, yada yada yada. But I guess the other day, his wife told Tony that she was gay. Well that was a shock. She just started to figure it out, but I guess it's always kind of been there in the back of her head. She was raised in a non homosexual friendly home, so I think that played part of her not knowing for sure until now. I think she's around 28 or so.

Anyways, what's interesting to me, is that she doesn't want to break up. She still loves Tony, she just isn't attracted to him. And she wants to keep a family together for the kids. Tony isn't quite sure what to think (obviously) but he isn't mad. He's accepting of her being gay, but doesn't know what to do. She did say she wouldn't mind if he went out and met someone, as could she. Then he got to thinking, could he bring a girl home and have a 3 some? Haha, gotta love guys finding out their wife is a lesbian.

I guess there isn't really a point to all of this. I just found it kind of weird that she wants to stay together even though she's gay. I guess we'll see what happens in time.

In other, fucking AWESOME news, I made myself a little purchase on ebay last week. Lars Frederiksen, one of the guitar players/singers for Rancid, and one of my musical heroes since I was 5 years old, put up for auction one of his shirts that he made, and a sweater he's owned since 91. So me being the Rancid fanatic that I am, bid. And won. I originally only bid on the sweater, because there was a lot of interest on the shirt early on. But a couple hours before it ended I put a bid on the shirt too, for shits and giggles. But what would you know, I won both. It's fucking awesome. I also got a picture of Lars with each one, and an autographed picture too. I was flipping out at work when I found out I won. Too cool! The sweater is too small for me, so I think I might frame that with the picture and autograph. But the shirt fits so I've been wearing that. But I don't want to wear it too much, so it doesn't get ruined.




And since I know you'll ask, google it and study up on your Norse mythology.

Towards the end of the video, you'll see Tim and Lars walking around a city, and Lars is wearing to sweater.



Well that's about it.

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Oceans

Press play; read ahead.





Well don't I just take the cake for being a bad blogger. Sorry guys. I've been busy, just not really with anything exciting. Erik and Demian came home last Monday late at night, and we hung out catching up for a while. Tuesday Erik and I went to Demian's place to hang out and unload their truck. They had accumulated a lot of stuff along the way and the truck bed was full. A lot of random things they got from Burning Man, and a whole fuckload of rocks. Between what was in the truck, the camper, and what's still in the Jeep out in Portland, they said they have about 500 or 600 pounds of rocks. They're big into rocks (obviously) and went on rock hunting trips and to quarries and stuff. So we unloaded that and then their friends started showing up to say hi. The first 10 or more days of October here were in the mid 80's so we were just hanging out outside enjoying the weather. We were going to go see Chromeo that night at First Ave so we were killing time. We decided since it was so nice that we'd bike to the show. So around 5 oclock or so we loaded up the bikes and drove into the city to their friend Kevin's house. Still had time to kill so we hung out some more, blasting music from the trike (for the first time in over 4 months. It was really nice!). Finally it was time for the show so we jumped on the bikes and headed out. I think there was around 14 of us on bikes. Some people drove, for some lame reason, but most were on bikes. It was a nice ride down to the show, all of us happy to be doing it. When we got to the show, we had to figure out a way to lock up all the bikes to the trike so no one would steal it. The speaker box is lockable, but you could still wheel the whole thing away. So we locked 5 bikes to it.

As we were standing on the sidewalk (completely blocking it, too), I saw a guy trying to get by BuBu. So I told him to move out of the way to let him through. Then Demian sees the guy, and starts pointing and trying to say something. Finally he gets out, "You're that guy! P-Thugg. Shit!" The guy just smiles and says yeah. It was the keyboard player from Chromeo walking around before the show. So then Demian says, "Not to be a groupie or anything, but can we get a picture of you with our gnome?" Which then led to a discussion about Jerome, and then the group picture. I somehow got relegated to camera man, so I'm not in it, and it's on Demian's camera, so I don't have it, unfortunately. We let him get on his way and then went into the show. Somehow Demian got Jerome into the show and we went to stake out a good spot. The opening band was almost done when we got there, but they were pretty good. They were called Mayor Hawthorne. I wasn't familiar with them, but it was enjoyable. We danced around a bit with Jerome, but when Chromeo came on, Yogi ran up and grabbed Jerome and ran off. Turns out, he wormed his way up to front and center with Jerome and was dancing around up there. Chromeo saw him, and loved it. They were interacting with him; it was awesome. So after dancing our asses off for a couple hours, the show was over. We headed back out to the bikes and decided to take a ride to Tom's house. It was about a 45 minute ride, and it was a blast. We hung out there for a few hours before Erik and I biked back to the truck and went home. I think I finally got to bed around 5 in the morning.

Wednesday was recovery day for everyone. Erik was gone by the time I got up, and I guess they all met up at the beach to spend the day in the sun recovering from the night before. Since it was their coming home, Demian's birthday, and a Chromeo show they all partied pretty hard and weren't feeling too hot. I just hung around the house all day and then went and hung out with Kaija and the kids. Was a pretty calming day for me.

This past Monday, my friend Joey (who used to work at the BP) found out she has breast cancer. She goes in for surgery tomorrow. So she's been kind of freaking out about that, so I've been trying to hang out with her and try to keep her calm. She's only 39, so a little on the young side for it, but still not completely unexpected. She's doing relatively well, considering, but she's still pretty nervous. It really sucks, but hopefully all goes well. And if not, I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes.

So that and work is pretty much all I've been up to lately. The Friday after Erik got home, we went and bought tickets to see Puscifer for when they come here in November. So that's pretty cool. We saw them last year when they were here, and it was probably one of the greatest shows I've ever seen. It's not just a rock concert, either. Maynard bills it as a 'cabaret show'. It has comedy, video skits, and music all tied into one. It's really interesting. I can't wait. Puscifer has a new album coming out this week, but they started streaming it online right after Erik came home, and I kinda thought the song above was fitting.

What's going on with you guys? I feel like I haven't been around lately and don't know what's going on. So what's going on, blogland?!

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

P.S. Don't you just love getting paid to blog? That's one of the greatest things about working at the BP. I'm sitting here at 9 oclock on a Sunday night, writing a blog post, listening to Bad Religion, and getting paid to do it.

Not my video, but this is Chromeo playing at First Ave. We were off to the right over by the stairs. Not great quality, but it gives you an idea.



Here's one of their videos so you can see what they're like.

THEY'RE BACK!

Sorry I've been a bad blogger lately. I'll post more in a couple days. But the next 48 hours are gunna be PARTY TIME!

If You Wanna Make A Move, Then You Better Come In

Hey.

So, some stuff's been happening. Let's start with the bad.

Last week, my grandpa's sister (my dad's aunt, or my great aunt, if you please) passed away. She had been suffering from dementia for a couple of years, but held together pretty well. She lived up in Duluth, MN. I hadn't seen her in a few years, but when I was a kid I remember going up there and visiting her a lot. Everything about that town was so amazing to me, and I loved going up there. So last Thursday was the funeral. I had to work, but talked to my boss and she said I could come in whenever, and to take my time. The time frame sucked though. I got home from work around midnight on Wednesday, ate some food and decompressed like usual, and fell asleep around 3:30-4. I had to wake up at 5:45 to get ready, and we had to be at my grandparents' house by quarter to 7. Usually, it's only a 2.5 hour drive from my house to Duluth, but my parents were riding up with my grandparents, and I was following. Plus there was a decent amount of road construction on 35. So in all it took us about 3 hours to get there, right on time for the 10 o'clock visitation.

I got to see some family that I hadn't seen in a while, and it was nice to catch up, even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. I was wearing my black suit that I bought when my grandpa died, and everyone kept saying how nice I looked, until I pointed out my shoes. I didn't want to drive all the way up in my dress shoes, since they're fucking uncomfortable, so I wore my hiking boots like always. Was planning on changing when I got there. Well, since I'd only gotten about 1.5 hours of sleep, when I walked out the door, I thought I'm wearing shoes, so I'm good. Not until I pulled into the parking lot of the church did I realize I forgot the dress shoes. So I was in an all black suit, with dirty brown hiking boots. Since everyone kept saying how nice I looked, I said they'd start expecting that from me, so I had to keep it low class somehow. It got a few chuckles.

The service was a service. More or less the same as any other funeral I've been too. Originally, my grandpa was supposed to be one of the pallbearers, but with his age and health, I was asked to step in. So I had my first experience with that. It kinda creeped me out. Also, it wasn't as heavy as I would have imagined. But I guess having six people carrying takes off some of the weight. Since I was bearing pall, I had to go to the graveside service too, which was a first for me. But I must say, standing in the sun in an all black suit, with no wind, when it's 78 degrees out, kinda sucks. Was really sweaty. After that, I said my goodbyes while everyone else went to mingle or whatever. I was off to work. My mom was worried about me driving on such little sleep, but I said I'd be fine. Which was true, until I started blanking out, and couldn't really remember that I was driving. It all seemed like a dream. So I stopped for some caffeine and did some jumping jacks and kept going. Got to work around 6 and had an incredibly busy night, since everyone was getting ready to go out of town for Labor Day. Got home around midnight again, and crashed around 1. What a wonderful night's sleep that was.

OK. Enough of the sad. On to the good! Where to start....

First off, I talked to Erik the other day, and they successfully survived Burning Man. They are currently in Yosemite for a couple of days and then are going to Death Valley. I asked when they would be coming home, and he said in October. The 4th is Demian's birthday, and he wants to be back to see Chromeo play that day. But they also want to see Further at Red Rocks the weekend before that, and don't want to rush, so we'll see. But they're slowly working their way home! I can't wait to hear all about it.

I finally got my audio interface to work properly. I ended up having to re-install windows on my computer, and somehow that fixed the problem. Just sucked that I had to back up my whole hard drive. Took flippin ever! I still haven't reloaded all that back on. I haven't found a time where I won't need my computer for 9 hours. So now we can FINALLY start recording our cd and get that out there. I'll keep you posted on that.

And finally, the big event.

My friend that I work with, Aaron, has been looking to buy a house for the last few months or so. He talked to a mortgage guy and got approved for a loan, got in contact with a realtor who has been sending him houses and stuff. It was decided that I, and his friend Nicky, would move in with him. His mortgage guy did some calculations, and his monthly payment should be around $700 a month. Which works out to about $233 a person, plus utilities. Which is pretty damn cheap, since we'll be in a house.

Anyways, he met with the realtor yesterday to look at a house, and then called me last night to ask if I could cover his shift for a couple hours today so he could meet with her again. So I said sure. Then he comes running into work today with a big smile on his face, and says he put an offer on the house. !!! Sweet! I'd seen pictures, and we'd driven by a few days before and I saw it from the outside, and I really liked it. Around 1500 square feet, and a HUGE back yard. Then, I get a phone call from him earlier tonight, and they accepted the offer. There are some things that need to be fixed before he can close, but the seller is paying to have it all fixed, which is nice. If all goes according to plan, he should close around 11/11/11. So come mid November, I'll be moving out! Fucking finally!

I like living at home, and it's free :-P, but it'll be nice to finally get out on my own. I'm 21 for fuck's sake. So I'll be living on the Greater East Side of St. Paul, which is a whole new world for me. I've never been a big fan of St. Paul, because the streets confuse me. In Minneapolis, the streets are more or less in a grid shape, and they go numerically and alphabetically. Not in St. Paul. The joke is that the streets were laid out by a bunch of drunken Irishmen. Guess it's time to learn.

So that's been my life for the last little bit. Some good, some bad. I'll keep you guys posted on the cd and the house.

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin



Oh yeah! I lost all my email contacts, so if you want me to have your email address, or whatever, send me an email so I get it back! Thanks!

'I Go Fag, You Die'

Heard that at work today. It irritates me that there is still so much hatred towards gays, and that it's still socially 'acceptable' to call things/people gay, fag, whatever. We live in a rather 'politically correct' world nowadays. Most people will at least look at you weird, if not say something, if you were to go around calling black people niggers, or asain people gooks, or assuming all middle eastern people are terrorists, or any of the other 'once acceptable' terms for people other than white. Shit, I'm surprised that they are still allowed to sell a chewing tobacco called Red Man, with a generic Native American chief as the logo.

I'm getting so tired of hearing people say all that. I can tolerate it when it's some random person, but when it's people that I know, people that I care about, it really tears me up. I'm glad no one in my family does it. My younger cousins do, but I'm trying to fix that. It's hard though when everyone they hang out with does it too. I did try to explain to them that there could be people around them that they care about, that are gay and no one knows, and that saying that really hurts them. They hadn't thought about it that way, so maybe there's hope.

I don't know. I like to think that it'll change, but I really don't know anymore. I wonder sometimes what the people around me would do if I came out. Most, I like to think, wouldn't care. But the ones that say all that shit all the time, I wonder if they'd stop, keep doing it, or just abandon me altogether.

The other day, I was hanging out with Anthony after work. He occasionally uses gay as a derogatory word, even though he doesn't have a problem with homosexuality, and has a lot of gay friends. He asked if it tore me up inside every time he said it around me. And so I told him, yes. But it wasn't as bad with him, since I knew his feelings towards gays. But I was glad that he acknowledged the fact that he said that around gay people, and that there might be repercussions.

I don't know. I need sleep. I'll fill you guys in on what's been happening soon. Going to the 'Great Minnesota Get Together' (state fair) tomorrow, so I should get some sleep.

Hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

Came across this video and thought it was cool. Vulgar, but cool.



This song was written about racism, but I think it holds true for sexuality too. One more reason to love Rancid!

So What Does It Mean When Your Mind Starts To Stray?

Why do we let our minds run away with bad thoughts?

I'm Still Here

Hey guys, guess it's been a while.

The past 2-3 weeks have been crazy. My boss's son got married this past weekend, and everyone that works at my station was going to the wedding, except me. So I got the short end of the stick, and had to pick up the slack. Did a couple of all day shifts and was working 50-60 hour weeks back to back. Not a whole lot to some people, but considering I've only been full time for a little over a month, it was a big jump. But on the bright side, I got a raise, so that's cool too. I think the straw that broke the camel's back with that, was about two weeks ago I went into the bathroom at work to discover a 'mess' on the floor.

Forgive the vulgarity of this, you can skip if you want. But someone took a shit on the floor. And it wasn't like it was an accident and they didn't make it in time. It was right next to the toilet, and was a 'full' amount. So I had to deal with that. Almost passed out, almost threw up, and almost killed someone. As I was cleaning it up, I started to get high off of the bleach, which is not fun.

So between everything else, and that, my boss did my 'review'. Word for word she said, "You're doing a hell of a good job, thanks for covering our asses, you get a raise." And that was it. So that was pretty sweet.

I am so glad that the wedding is over, and hopefully my life will get back to normal. Not much else has been happening lately, since I've been working so much. But I think I might buy a gun. I mentioned before that I got a .357 from my grandpa when he died, but the thing is too damn expensive to shoot. So I think I might buy a 9mm. Much cheaper to shoot, and I've always wanted a semi-auto pistol. Not sure though. The one I want is about $600-700 new, which I don't think I can justify spending. Might look into buying a used one though.

Got an email from my brother the other day. He and Demian are heading towards Burning Man. They'd been talking about that for a while, but I didn't think they were actually going to go. But I guess they are. They think they'll be pretty broke after that, so they'll probably start heading home after the man burns. Depending on how much money is left will determine how long it takes them to get home. It might be a mad dash, or they'll take their time and it'll be a month. Either way, it seems like by October, they'll be home. It's kind of bittersweet. I'm really glad they're coming home, and I can't wait to hear about every thing they've done, but i also don't want it to be over for them. It'd be nice if it could last forever, but we all know it can't. But they've been gone since the first week of June, so they've had a good run. Rather unproblematic too, although Erik mentioned something about San Francisco, but he wouldn't go into details. Just that no one got hurt or arrested...

So that's about it for now, I guess. I'm looking forward to things calming down and being normal.

Oh! My friend and first sponsor, Robin, is back in town after graduating school in Cincinnati, so I'll be getting together with him for the first time in 4 years soon, which I'm excited about. For those of you keeping score at home, he was also the drummer for Morris, who I've mentioned before. I'll post more once it happens.

So yeah, that's been my life for the last few weeks. Work, work, shit, work. But I'm making money and staying out of trouble, which is a good thing, right?

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Go Back To Sleep

So very tired...

Time For Another Overdose?

Hey guys.

I wanna talk about something I haven't really talked about with anyone before. I guess you could say I'm rather sensitive about it.

My whole life I've always been on the heavier side. Not obese, but overweight. Currently, I'm 5'9" and 190 pounds.

January of 2009, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed, and had a bad reaction to the percocet. That, and my dentist over prescribed me, so I had an overdose. I threw up a lot, and couldn't eat for three days. Or drink water for two. In the end, I lost 15 pounds in 3 days. It wasn't fun, but I was actually happy with the results. I was down to 170-175.

I kept most of the weight off for a year, but come January 2010, I was back to around 185. Then I had surgery on my sinuses, and another overdose with the percocet (I've come to the conclusion that my body can't handle opiates. Good thing I was never a heroin addict). More vomiting, not eating, etc. After that weekend, I was back to 175ish, and I liked it.

Anyways, around this time I started accepting the fact that I was gay. It was weird at first, but finding blogland helped a lot. There was a point last year, and really up until a month or two ago, where I was in a depression about it. Not just gay, but that was the big part. I had my flirts with suicidal thoughts, but those went away after a bit. Anyways, I basically stopped caring, and gained the weight back. It was almost like I was punishing myself. Which doesn't make sense, since there's nothing wrong. But the mind does weird things.

So I just started eating whatever I wanted, and didn't care what I put into my body. Fast food, way too much pop, and not much exercise. Well, I've gotten tired of it. I saw a picture of myself earlier tonight from after my first 'overdose', and I want to go back to that. I don't like the way I look, and it's making me sad. I know the biggest thing that will help is to stop drinking pop, but I'm also worried about that. When I don't drink enough caffeine I get migraines. Which is why my pop intake has remained so high, at least five 20oz a day. I like coffee, but it's not the same. And I'm not a big fan of drinking coffee when it's really hot out.

But I've made a decision. I'm going to lessen my pop intake, and replace it with coffee, black. I've never liked sugar in my coffee, but usually cream. But I like it black too, and it's less calories that way. I'm going to try and eat healthier too. It'll be hard with work, because it's so easy to grab a candy bar or bag of chips, and it's easier to get fast food, than cook something and bring it to work. But I think if I talk to my mom about it, she'll help cook some things that I can bring.

I don't know. I just wanted to vent about this. It's been on my mind for a while, but like I said, I feel like I've been punishing myself, and just didn't care. Well I want to care. I don't want to die young. I should probably quit smoking too, but that'll be later. One step at a time.

They say that it takes 28 days of a new thing to become a habit. I don't know about that, but it's worth a shot. Even if I stop all the pop, without anything else, I'd probably loose weight.

I don't know why I'm telling you all about this. Why should you care? I'll stop now. Just wanted to get it out there.

143

_Kevin

And no, I don't want to overdose. As much as I liked the weight-loss, that shit fucking sucked. So don't worry about that. It's been a joke with my mom. Last winter I said, 'You know, I think it's getting about that time for another overdose.' Since I'd had one the past two winters. (She didn't think it was funny)

1000 More Fools

I was feeling productive on my day off today, so I did this.



Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Go The FUCK To Sleep!

What Was Once, Is Reduced To Remembrance

Sorry it's a day late. The power was out for a bit when I got home last night, and then I just didn't want to mess with this. So here's part two! Again, it's long.


Hey guys.

Another slow day at work, so here's part 2.

We woke up around 9 on Thursday and started getting our stuff packed up. It had been a late night, so we were moving rather slow. It's surprising how spread out your stuff can get in under two days. Once we had everything packed up in the Jeep, he headed out to Vic's house to get the camper. Vic wasn't there when we got there, so we just threw everything from the Jeep into the camper and hooked up. Left Vic a note saying thanks for everything, and we were off. We stopped at a gas station for gas and smokes, and then hit up another food cart for philly cheese steak sandwiches, which were amazing by the way.

Finally, we got on the highway to get out of Portland. We decided to go to the coast, so with Demian driving and Erik navigating, we tried to pass the time. We were on a main highway for a while, but then Erik sent us on a smaller county road that took us through a National park. It was slow going, climbing up steep grades with the camper, but we pushed on. We had Widespread Panic blasting and the sun was shining. Couldn't get much better. Erik decided to take us to a little place outside of Oceanside and after about 2 hours, we made it.

We weren't sure where to go, so we just drove around looking. We didn't want to go to a public beach, since they were so busy. After about 20 minutes of driving around, we passed a little guardrail on the side of the road, with a nice view of the ocean. So we pulled over on the side of the road and went to look. It was then that we found a little hidden path down to the water. I decided to take a video of it, which I posted a couple weeks ago. It was a really cool path, and I'm annoyed my cell phone video wasn't better quality. You walk into the trees and under the canopy, and there are a bunch of manmade steps, what looked like railroad ties, slowly leading you down. There were benches every so often if you got tired too. Then, the path split. One to the left, one to the right. I was following Demian and JT, who went left, so I went right. Then I was led along until I reached a fence. Looking over the fence was a drainage shoot, creating a waterfall onto the beach. I then backtracked, and continued down the steps. Every once and a while, you'd get a really cool view of the water, but a lot of it was hidden by bushes and trees. Finally I got to the beach. It was stone for awhile, and then became sand.

There was a small creek from the waterfall slowly making its way to the ocean, and big cliffs surrounding us. After planting Jerome the Gnome on the beach to watch everything (don't ask. They have a traveling gnome with them for some reason.), we walked over to some boulders against a cliff to look around. It was really cool being on the rocks and watching the tide come in. We couldn't get too close to the water on the rocks, or we'd be wet. Hung out there for a while taking pictures, and then went back to the beach.

Everyone else started looking around for cool rocks and stones, while I just walked around enjoying the beautiful scenery. We spent another 4 hours there or so, before it started to get dark, and we had to go find a place to camp for the night. We climbed back up the path and jumped in the Jeep.

We didn't want to stay at an RV park or 'traditional' campsite if we could help it, because they're so expensive. So we drove around looking at a couple different places as we came to them, but nothing what we wanted. It was getting dark, when Erik found a road that went up to Mt. Hebo. So we started the long, slow climb up the pass with camper in tow. Demian could only drive 15 miles an hour at best, so it took a long time. After an hour, it started to get really foggy, and then finally the road leveled out. So we got out to look around, and found a place big enough to park the camper. Got everything situated and started making dinner. A while later while dinner was cooking, we went outside again and the sky was crystal clear. Then we got an idea of how high we really were. What we thought was fog, was really just some clouds passing by. It was really cool, and Erik took some really cool pictures with his camera with the exposure set long. We ate dinner, and then watched a movie to fall asleep.

When I awoke, JT was already up and I could hear him talking to someone. I got a little worried that it might be a park ranger or something, since I wasn't sure if we should be camping there. I got up and went outside to go pee. As I'm peeing, a guy with dreadlocks walks up and asks if I want a beer. I just look at him and say, 'I just want to pee, and put shoes on.' He said ok, and walked away. I went back in the camper and put on some clothes and shoes. Erik and D then woke up, and I told them about the dreadlock guy. They were intrigued, so we all went outside to see what was going on.

It turns out, we parked in a little parking lot at the top of the mountain. There was a Volkswagen Jetta parked behind the camper and the guy with the dreadlocks (whose name I can't remember for the life of me) and a girl both in their mid 20's were leaning against the trunk drinking beers with JT. Again, they offered beers, but since it was about 10 AM, we declined. Erik and I went in to make breakfast, while they kept talking. I guess they were on a road trip from Illinois, and were even at the same festival in Missoula that Erik, D, and JT were at. They were just living the hippie lifestyle, I guess. All throughout the morning they kept offering beer and Sass (some weird drug thing, I don't know) Erik and D took beers, but passed on the Sass. JT started eating some though.

After breakfast, we walked around to take in the view of where we were. You could see the ocean in the distance, and some smaller mountains all around us. It was a really cool location. The night before, while we were driving up, D made the joke that he didn't want to have to drive down in the morning, in case the brakes went out in the Jeep. I said they should ride the bikes down, and I'd drive. They were kind of scared of driving, but I was excited and thought it'd be fun. Apparently, they remembered that, and were all excited to bike down. So since they had already been drinking, I had to drive down. D continued to mess with the brakes on his cruiser, since they still weren't working that well. After a bunch of tinkering, he got them to his liking, and we packed up. We said goodbye to the hippies and they left too.

The guys got on the bikes and I jumped in the Jeep. I was a little nervous since I hadn't driven the camper with the Jeep yet, but I started out with them behind me. It was slow going, keeping it in first gear and using the engine to keep the speed down. We saw a mile marker, and discovered we had come up 6 miles, so now we had to go down 6 miles. I think Erik said we were at about 3,500-4,000 feet vertical, so it was rather steep. There were a few close calls with other cars coming around blind corners too fast, but we made it down safely. JT did manage to fall off his bike twice though.

At the bottom, they threw the bikes on the rack and hopped in the Jeep. We had decided to go over to the mountains today, so we headed back towards Portland. Again, it was slow going, but we made it back in about 2 hours. Once we hit Portland though, we got stuck in traffic. I must say, trying to drive a manual with a heavy camper in stop and go traffic SUCKS. It took us about 2 hours to get from one side of the city to the other, which should have only taken about 15 minutes without traffic. Then it was about another hour and a half drive to the Multnomah Falls area. Driving through there was rather hectic because of all the people, but we finally got to a place we could park, and where we wanted to hike. We started on the path to Punch Bowl Falls, with Jerome the Gnome strapped to my pack. About 50 yards in, a sheriff pulled up next to us ( we were still on a service road) and said she just had to ask about the gnome. So Erik and D explained it, and then she let us take a picture of Jerome on the hood of her car. Erik says they have more pictures of Jerome than either of them.

The hike started out pretty easy, but there were some spots where the path was only 2 feet wide, with a pretty big drop on one side. The area was beautiful, and the weather was perfect for hiking. Not too hot, and just enough sun to poke through the trees. After an hour or so, we got to Lower Punch Bowl Falls. We hiked down to see the falls up close, and it was really cool. Lower Punch Bowl is only maybe 20 feet high, but still powerful. We were down on the riverbed above Lower, but below Upper, so it was cool to see the different perspectives. After hanging out there for a while taking pictures and enjoying everything, we went back to the main path and headed towards Upper Punch Bowl. Upper is probably 50 or 60 feet high, and we were above it, across a small canyon and to the left a bit. We could see a spot right next to the falls where people could jump (probably not supposed to, but when has that stopped anyone?) but it was too cold and too high for us to want to do it. We didn't spend as much time there, but still took some pictures and had a good time.

Then we started the hour and a half hike back out. It was really cool hiking down because the sun was starting to set, so it looked like everything was on fire. We got back to the Jeep, and Erik pulled out the map to find a place to camp. He decided on Lost Lake, somewhere in a National Forrest, but basically in the middle of nowhere. It was about 40 miles up the highway, and then another 20 miles or so on county roads. We stopped at a liquor store on the way, and then, again, started a long climb up some steep grades. It was even slower than the night before, I could only drive about 5-10 mph. I think it took us about 2 hours to get to the top and then we pulled into a National Park campsite. Erik expected to have to pay, but the sign said $25 a night, so we decided no. We didn't want to drive all the way back down, since it was 1 in the morning. We ended up pulling over on the side of the road and setting up camp. Made some more dinner, and then hung out bullshitting for a while. It was my last night there, so I was rather sad. I was having so much fun, and it was nice being with my brother again, that I didn't want to leave. Finally fell asleep at 3:30.

Woke up early to make sure we had enough time to get to the airport. Made a quick breakfast and then packed up. It was really cool being able to see everything up there that we couldn't see in the dark the night before. It took us about an hour or so to get down, and then trekked through the county roads back to the highway. It was about an hour drive back to the airport, so we headed on. When I left Minneapolis, the security lines sucked, so I wanted to get there early. I figured it was Saturday of 4th of July weekend, so it'd be crowed. But when we got there and I checked, the place was almost deserted. I said goodbye to everyone, and then walked away. It was sad, but I'd had a good time, so it was worth it. Went through security and went to my gate. Since I flew through everything, I still had 2 hours until boarding. So I grabbed some lunch and walked around. I couldn't even really people watch, because there was hardly anyone there.

It was while I was sitting around the airport that I realized what I had just done for the past 5 days, was what Erik and D's life was like now. They just drive around to whatever cool place they want and hangout for as long as they want. It made me really jealous. Now I think about what they're doing at any given moment, and there are so many possibilities I can't fathom. I think they're in Seattle right now, but I don't know for sure.

I had to fly from Portland to Salt Lake City, and then catch a connection to Minneapolis. My layover in SLC was only 30 minutes, so I was a little concerned about missing it. But worse case scenario, I have family, including my cousin Roger who I came out to, live there. The first flight was boring, and I slept the whole way. I don't even remember falling asleep. I awoke when we started our decent. I was happy to hear that we were still on time. I was pretty close to the front of the plane, so I got off fast. Then I looked at the monitor with flight information on it, and I only had to go to the gate next to the one I was at. I was worried I'd have to run halfway across the airport. So I got on the plane, and fell asleep again. I guess I was still tired from all the exercise and fresh air over the last few days. Landed in Minneapolis at 11:30 at night and called my dad to pick me up. After hours of being in airports, I finally got to go outside and smoke a cigarette, which was wonderful. What wasn't wonderful, was the humidity. I'd gotten used to there being little or no humidity and no bugs that it was a big shock. I was sweating in minutes. It shouldn't be 80 degrees and 85% humidity at midnight in Minnesota!

So that's pretty much it. It was a great time, and I wish I could do it again. Although yesterday my dad talked to Erik, and Erik said that the Jeep can't really pull the camper anymore. It's too hard on it, and they're tired of driving 40mph everywhere. So they're going to buy a pickup out there and leave the Jeep at a friend's house in Seattle. Which means my dad and I are going to fly out there and drive it back. We don't know if Erik and D will still be there, but it'll be a nice mini adventure. It's about 1600 miles, so it should be right around 24 hours of drive time. And this time we (HOPEFULLY) won't get stuck in a snow storm! I'm not sure when we'll go, but sometime within the month.

Also, I finally ordered my audio interface today before work, so that should be here in a week or two. I can finally start recording our cd, and I can record good drums for my random cover thingys that I've been doing! This is going to be so cool! It'll be like having a recording studio in my house. Now I just have to learn how to use everything. I'm getting a recording program from my guitar player, so that'll be a whole new can of worms to learn. But it'll be fun.

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

I wish I had taken more pictures in the city, but they're all on Erik's camera. But here's the best thing I saw in Portland





The view from the road where we parked the Jeep







ME!



The view from above the drainage shoot



And below





From the beach, looking up




Looking at the beach from the rocks we were climbing on



A cove we found




L to R: JT, Demian, Erik



JT and Demian, shot from the mouth of the cove



Erik, the crazy fucker was barefoot



The view from the first campsite, on Mt. Hebo



L to R: two random people with their dogs, JT, Erik, D. Upper Punch Bowl Falls is to the left, Lower to the right



Part of the cliff above their heads from the last picture



The view up river of Lower Punch Bowl



Side view of Lower Punch



The pool Lower dumped in to



Up river shot of Lower



A kind of crappy picture from down river of Upper Punch Bowl (Hey, they're all from my phone, I think I can have one bad picture :-P)



And finally, a picture from our new location of Upper Punch Bowl Falls



Damn that was a lot of pictures to upload. Hope you enjoyed them!

Portland Part 1

Hey guys.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get this post out. I've been working every day since the 4th, and haven't had the time. I'm at work now, but it's super slow, so I'm writing it here and I'll post it tonight when I get home. Just a heads up, it's a little long.

Anyways, so I guess I'll start at the beginning. I woke up on Tuesday the 28th and started packing. My flight was at 3:30, so I got to the airport around 2. This was my first time flying by myself, so I was a little nervous. I'm pretty good with flying, but I usually just follow my dad through the airport. After dying from old age in the security line, I made my way to the gate. I still had about 30 minutes until boarding, so I grabbed some lunch. Got on the plane, and everything went fine. I sent Erik a text saying I was on the plane, and I'd be there around 5 PM, Portland time.

The flight was boring, and when we landed it was cloudy so I couldn't see the mountains. I called Erik when I got on the ground, and he said they were in traffic, but only about 15 minutes away. I worked my way out of the airport and went outside to smoke a cigarette and wait. It had already been about 25 minutes, so I called Erik again. He didn't answer, so I called Demian and they said they were still in traffic, but would be there in five minutes, for real this time. So I waited some more, just being glad to be off the plane, and to smoke a cigarette.

Finally, I see this green Jeep with those orange lights on top that the construction workers use, and I knew they were here. I threw my bags in the back of the Jeep and we climbed in. We did the usual small talk, how was the flight....blah. Then they started telling me a little about their trip. The previous weekend, they had gone to Regeneration Festival to see some bands. Apparently, between the two of them over 4 or 5 days, they had smoked 9 packs of cigarettes, and drank 2 gallons of booze. So they weren't feeling too hot. We drove to this little mexican place that Demian's friend recommended. We grabbed a couple burritos and headed to his friend Vic's place.

At this point I still hadn't seen the camper, so I was wondering what kind of shape it was in. The first thing I saw when we pulled up outside Vic's place was the camper, looking just like it had when they left, just a little dirtier. We went up to Vic's deck and ate our burritos and shot the shit. I told Erik and D that I had gotten us a hotel for the two nights we were in Portland, with my dad's reward points from traveling so much for work. So we loaded up some of their things and headed to Vancouver, WA, leaving the camper at Vic's again.

It was about a 25 minute drive from Vic's to the hotel, and I got my first real chance to look around. Vic lives in the more ghetto part of Portland, so there wasn't much to look at, until we got to the river and crossed into Washington. Then I got my first glimpse of the Portland skyline, and it was awesome. Got to the hotel and checked in, then just kind of kicked back for awhile unwinding. We were getting hungry again, so we went to the grocery store for dinner. I had seen on the hotel map that there was a bbq area by the pool, so we bought some brats and chips to grill.

It was kind of raining, and was rather cool, so we didn't go in the pool, but we tried the hot tub, but it was even colder than the pool. So we hung around at a table and grilled our food. By this time it was about 10 or 11 at night, so we were by ourselves, which was nice. We got caught up on what had been going on with each other, and then we headed back to the room to go to bed.

We woke up around 11 or so, and started getting ready to spend the day biking around Portland. Erik and D were both excited to take a shower, since it had been about a week since they last had one. Finally got all geared up and headed out about noon. Since we were going to see A Perfect Circle that night, we drove into Portland and parked in a parking ramp, then got on the bikes. That way, we wouldn't have to bike back 10 miles after the show.

Erik and Demian brought their own street/mountain bikes, and then Demain brought one of his cruiser bikes as an extra for when people came out. So I was on that. As we were going down the first ramp out of the parking area, the brake cable on my bike snapped, so I had no brakes. I threw my foot down and was slowly able to stop without hurting myself. Demian looked at it, and decided he would ride it brakeless until we could get to a bike shop. So I jumped on his Specialized and we headed out again. When we got out of the parking garage, we ran into two police officers on horseback and asked them for directions to the nearest bike shop. It was only a few blocks away so we went there pretty slowly. Got to the shop and bought a new cable, but they wouldn't let us use any of their tools, and D didn't want to pay them to put it on. The guy at the shop said there was a bike rental shop by the river that had tools you could use for free, so after getting directions and buying some homemade, organic popsicles from there, we went to the river. I must say, it's rather difficult riding a bike one handed through the city trying to eat a popsicle.

We biked along the river until we found the bike place, and got to work. It was a really cool place. They had basic tools outside tied with a cable to a post, but if you needed something that wasn't there, you could ask the person at the counter, and you could use anything they had. So D installed the new cable, and while we were there we double checked everything else on our bikes to make sure they worked. D tried his brakes again, and they worked, just not very well. He then decided he needed new brake pads too. So we kept biking, while keeping an eye out for another bike shop. After biking around aimlessly for 20 minutes, we found another shop and he bought new pads and had them installed. We were starting to get hungry, so we started looking for a place to eat. We passed a couple of different food carts, but weren't very satisfied with them. Finally after an hour or so, we found a food cart that made burgers. You could get normal burgers, or ones with Spam, an egg, or instead of a bun, have it with a grilled cheese on top and bottom. I got a bacon burger, but Erik went for one with Spam on it. They were pretty good. D didn't feel like a burger, so he got some Pad Thai from the cart next door.

We were pretty full, so we walked our bikes through town for a while, going wherever we felt. Around 6 we went back to the Jeep to drop off our backpacks and grab the concert tickets. Then we biked over to the concert hall where the show was. We locked up the bikes and got in line for the show. After a very serious pat-down by security (the worst I've ever had at a concert) we were in. They told us that if we used our cell phones while inside, we would be kicked out. So even in the foyer area outside the hall we couldn't be on the phone. Erik got in line to get some t-shirts and D went in line to get some beer. I just stood around watching everything, getting more excited as the minutes passed. Doors were at 7, and the show was supposed to start at 8. The opener went on right after 8, which kind of surprised me. Usually they are later than what was scheduled.

The opener was an all female, Japanese punk band. I had looked up one of their videos on Youtube, and thought it was alright, so I was kind of excited to see what they were like live. Unfortunately, I was rather disappointed. The rest of the songs they played didn't sound much like the song I'd heard, and it wasn't as good. But they closed with the song I knew, so that was cool.

Erik and D went to get another beer while APC got set up. I stayed in the seat because I didn't want to miss anything. When I got into A Perfect Circle, it was 2004, right before they put out their new album. But they didn't tour for the album, and I never got a chance to see them live. Then they broke up, and I didn't think I'd ever get a chance to see them, so I was ecstatic to hear that they were touring again, and I'd get to see them. The venue didn't allow food or drinks in the seats, so they had to stay out and drink them before they could come back in.

The lights dimmed, and Maynard and Billy started the first song, but Maynard missed his cue, so he stopped and they started over. About 30 seconds into the song Erik and D came back, and I told them what they missed. They were disappointed, since Maynard had made some little smart ass remark. He nailed it the second time though. I don't really remember too much of the show. It all kind of blends together into this haze of awesomeness. But I do remember when they were doing the song The Outsider, Maynard forgot the words for the first verse and asked the audience to help him out. So it was a huge sing along with 2500 people. After the song, he apologized, claiming that he was closer to 50 than 40. Then he asked if we wanted them to do it again to get it right. Of course everyone screamed YES! but then he laughed and said too bad, then went into the next song. It was an amazing hour and a half, and I was really disappointed when it was over. Although they did play a new song as the last song, which was cool. Usually when a band is done playing and the house lights don't come back on, that means they're going to do an encore. So when the lights didn't come on, we all stood there waiting and yelling for them to come back. But after about 30 seconds, the house lights came on and the crappy filler music started playing. Everyone was pissed because we weren't expecting it to be over. So we slowly made our way outside into the cool night air.

Before we got back on the bikes, D talked to their friend JT, who is from Minnesota, and they ran into at a festival in Missoula, MT. While he was with them, he had left his jacket and ID in the camper. He had somehow gotten a ride out to Portland, and wanted to meet up to get his stuff back. It turned out he was only about 3 minutes from where our hotel was, so we said we'd pick him up. We jumped on the bikes and headed back to the car. Since Erik and D had been drinking, I was automatically designated the driver for the night. We loaded up the bikes on the back of the Jeep and headed back to Vancouver. After getting a little lost, we found the bar he was at and went inside. Since it was a Wednesday night, the place was pretty dead. They had a couple drinks and caught up on what had happened since they last saw each other, and it was decided JT would spend the night with us, since we weren't with the camper. So we headed back to the hotel and proceeded to figure out what to do for dinner, even though it was after midnight. We called the front desk, and they said only Domino's was open, so I jumped online to find a late night place in Portland. You would think that when you Google 'late night food in Portland, OR' you would get places open late, but every place that came up closed at 11 or 12. Not very late night in my book. After probably 20 minutes, I found a place called The Original Hot Cake and Steak House, open 24 hours. I grabbed some directions and we were off. It was about a 30 minute drive and then we pulled up to this rather rundown looking place. But it was filled with a bunch of younger people, so it looked good. We walked in, got a table, and ordered our food. I must say, I was blown away with their hot cakes. I'm not usually a huge breakfast person, usually only at night like that, but I don't know if I've ever had better pancakes.

We hung out for a little bit, then headed back to the hotel since we had to check out by noon. Got back and watched a little tv and then hit the sack, tired from all the exercise and fresh air.

Well I think I'll stop here for now. This got a little longer than I thought, and we're only halfway done. If you made it through, good for you!

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Anthony

Hey guys. I promise the post about my trip is coming. I have part 1 typed up and ready to go, but I want to share this first.

I don't know if I've mentioned my friend Anthony very much, other than he was the one who helped me with A Night On The Street.

I met Anthony about 6 years ago, when I was just a few of months sober. He was around the same amount clean as I, just a month or so less. We had a lot of the same interests, and were both big metal fans. We started hanging out more and more, and now we're like best friends. Lately, we've been playing pool once a week or so. We both get off work, then go spend a couple hours shooting.

Tonight was no different. I got off work, and it was raining and storming like none other. I almost didn't want to drive in it, but I like driving in horrible conditions. I picked him up and we went to play. Pretty usual night, although we weren't quite on our game tonight.

After a couple hours we left. It's about a 20 minute drive from the pool hall to his place. We were about halfway back listening to Alice In Chains, when the song Nutshell came on. There's a line in the song, about halfway through, that goes:

And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

I heard this, and thought, 'what the hell? Why not?' So I decided to tell Anthony I'm gay. I'd been thinking about telling him for a long time now, and felt the time was right. He is friends with a lot of gay people, so I didn't think it would be a problem. MY problem was trying to get the words out.

Basically, this is how it went.

'Can I tell you something?'
'OK'
'It's important, and rather hard to say'
'K'
Silence....way too much silence. At first, I used the excuse that I was driving, but that didn't last long. (Also, probably not the greatest idea to do this while driving. Oh well.)
Some nervous laughter and false starts on my part.
'You don't have to say it if you don't want to'
'No, I want to, I just don't know how'
'Oooh, I better light up a cigarette. This sounds juicy!' (Ha, asshole.)
'Haha. OK. Basically.....I'm gay'
'Really?'
'Yeah'
A brief pause that was killing me inside.
'Well that's cool, dude'

Then we spent the rest of the drive back to his place and then about 20 minutes sitting outside talking about various things. I guess he already suspected I was gay, and it wasn't really a surprise to him. That kind of caught me off guard, but it made sense after he said why, and I thought about it. Basically, he picked up on the fact that I never have a girlfriend, that I don't look at the hot women as they pass, and that when he comments on a girl, I usually don't. Fuck. I need to get better at that if I plan on staying in the closet a little longer. I thought I was doing an alright job.

Then he said how hard it must be for me to be living a double life. I told him he didn't even know the half of it. He was able to relate somewhat from his using days, always having to hide who and what you are and what you're doing, but it's not quite the same. But he said he understood, and that nothing, NOTHING between us will change because I told him. And again, just like with Roger, he thanked me for telling him. I still find that weird. I know it's because they appreciate that I trust them enough to tell, but I feel that I should be thanking them for being ok with it, and I do.

This was the first time I had said I'm gay to someone out loud. I've typed it a bunch, thought it a bunch, and said it out loud to myself, but it was really, really weird hearing myself say it to another human being. The words came out of my mouth, but it didn't feel like I said it. It was weird.

Anyways, I just thought I'd share that with you guys. I CAME OUT TO SOMEONE! IN PERSON! THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW! YAY!

Hope you guys are well!

I'll post the first part of the trip in the morning. (Well, my morning, you're afternoon :-P)

143

_Kevin




We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh...Oooh...
Oooh...Oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Oooh...Oooh...
Oooh...Oooh...

The Outsider

Hey guys.

I'll get to the trip in the next post. But I was at work today and saw something that made me both happy and sad that I wanted to share.

A group of 5 kids came in, between 14 and probably 6. They were walking all over the place looking at candy and whatnot, rather getting on mine and Aaron's nerves (thinking about shoplifting, or a mess). Anyways, I noticed the two 14 year olds (or there about) seemed very close. At first I thought they were just good friends. I dismissed the idea they were brothers because they looked absolutely nothing alike. But then, when they were by themselves over by the back of the store, I saw them kiss. And not just a peck on the check, but lip to lip contact. Seeing this, made me happy for them. The fact that they had found someone to be with was nice, and that they, for the most part, weren't afraid to show their love was also refreshing. What made me a little concerned though, was that one of them bought condoms. Seems a little young to me, if they were going to use them for what I assumed, but I guess at least they are using them.

What made me sad though, was that I don't have something or someone like that. And I never will as long as I stay in the closet. For a while now I've really been craving someone to have a relationship with. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a boyfriend. Just someone I know, in person, who I can be completely myself with.

It doesn't help that the few gay people I do know are either taken, or I don't find them attractive. So even if I did come out, there still isn't a boyfriend possibility in my life. I've accepted the fact that a few of my friends that I do find attractive are straight, and there's no chance there. It's kinda like what the women always say in the movies, 'why do all the good ones have to be straight?'

Oh, and after I finished ringing up the kid with the condoms, when I gave him his change, he said 'I love you'. To me. It was a joke, but damn it didn't help my mental state. I see this display of affection I want, and then they (indirectly) mock me with it. So I was in a weird mood for the rest of the night. Fortunately, it was only about an hour or so before close, so I didn't have to deal with it long. I came home and learned some A Perfect Circle on guitar, which helped distract me.

So I just thought I'd share that with you guys. I don't like feeling lonely, and at least here I can get some attention from a couple of people.

Hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

Listed M.I.A.

Down In Oakland

Hey guys. I feel like I've been a bad blogger lately. Sorry about that. I guess I've been busier than I thought.

Anyways, Erik and D left of their trip the Thursday after the party. I heard from them this past Tuesday (maybe Wednesday) and they had made it to Mt Hood, so that's good. I fly out to see them this Tuesday, and will be gone until Sunday. It should be a good time.

My friend Joey, who works at the BP, finally got hired as an electrician. She graduated with an electrical degree two years ago, and has been waiting for a spot in the union to open up. So last Tuesday she started that. So, I'm now a full time employee at the BP. Been working a lot trying to get trained in for closing, learning all the paper work and whatnot. Not terribly fun, but the money will be nice.

My friends Kaija and Ian had their second child, a son named Callum. Been trying to spend a lot of time with them and the kids. I can't believe they have been married over 2 years, and have two kids. Addy, their daughter, will turn 1 tomorrow. Time is really flying! It's crazy.

Hopefully once I get back from my trip, I'll be making enough money to finally buy the audio interface I need, so the band can start recording our album, and we can finally get that released. I feel like I've been talking about that forever, and I just really want it to get done. Doing it yourself kinda sucks. But it's cool at the same time, because you're doing it all yourself. I talked to a friend of mine at Erik's party, and he said he'd be willing to play bass on the album for us, which would be sweet. He is by far the greatest bass player I know, and I'd say better than a lot of the people in the bands on the radio. He's no Matt Freeman, or Les Claypool, but he can play a bass amazingly. I've briefly mentioned an old Minneapolis band here before called Morris (NOT to be confused with Morris Day, or Morris Day and The Time) that he was the bass player for, and I can't believe he wants to play on our album. I said it'd probably be boring for him, but he thinks it'll be fun, so that's cool. If you care, go HERE to hear Morris.

I guess that's about it for now. I'm pretty tired, but thought I'd give you guys an update, so you knew I wasn't dead.

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Jackknife, Disco Lights, Drunken Kickball, Fire, Cops, and a Moped Ride

That sounds like a pretty good description of the weekend.

I guess it all started on Friday. Erik and Demian towed the camper to go get a new hitch for it, something about better weight distribution and sway control, whatever. Around 8 that night, I get a phone call from Erik, and it turns out that after they put the new hitch on in the parking lot, they got on the highway and when they got to about 45mph, the camper started to sway and bounce all over the road, and eventually jackknifed. Fortunately, they didn't hit any other cars, and no one was hurt. After the camper jackknifed, it swung the jeep and camper around in a 180, and crossed three lanes of traffic. Surprisingly, nothing broke, and they're still set to go. Although they've switched their departure to Wednesday morning.

Had the party on Saturday. After our location for the party backed out, we ended up having it at our house. My parents went to my grandma's for the night and gave us free reign, as long as nothing broke, and the cops didn't show up. 1/2 isn't bad. Before the party, Erik and I went around to some of the neighbors' houses to let them know what was happening, and to call us if it got too loud, before calling the cops.

Around 5 in the afternoon Erik, Demian, BuBu, Rocky and I started grilling some food, and getting everything set up. They got 2 kegs of beer so we set those up in the back yard under the deck. Over the next 3 hours people slowly started to show up, and it ended up being a good turn out. Probably around 100 people over the course of the night.

I had set up my band's PA system in the basement for music, and had the windows open so you could hear it outside. It was pretty loud inside, but pretty good outside. As night fell, we started a bonfire and all the black lights came to life in the camper, as well as that stereo. So we had two different sources of loud music.

There ended up being three mini parties within the one. One out back with the fire, one inside, and one out front with the camper. Since I was the only sober one, I was running between them all night, trying to keep things under control. Around 1 AM, I walked from the front to the back, and was presented with a well organised, yet impossible to play, game of kickball. The only light was from the house and the fire. But they even had team names and rules. People were pretty drunk, and first base was right next to the fire pit, so it was a little interesting, but no one got hurt.

Around 2, Erik wanted me to give his friend Jessica a ride home, since she had to go feed her baby. So just as I'm walking from the back yard out to the car, I hear the smoke alarm go off. Great. I run inside as fast as I could, and see that a bag of homemade rice krispy treats that was on the stove had caught fire. Apparently, the burner knob had gotten turned and the bag caught instantly. So I walked into the kitchen seeing 8 inch flames on the stove and some drunk people freaking out. So I grabbed some water and got it out. The people around me said they'ed let it cool for a bit, and then clean it up. So I nervously left to take Jess home, after finding Erik, and rather forcefully telling him to keep things under control until I got back. It was the most tense 20 minutes I'd had in a while.

When I got home, things were still under control, and someone had cleaned up the mess on the stove, which made me happy. Around 3 or so, we decided to close the house windows, to try and cut back on some of the noise. But the drunk people were loud, and the camper was blasting music, so I knew it wouldn't help much. By about 4, I figured we were pushing our luck, but there wasn't much I could do. Finally, about 4:30, I see a cop car drive around the corner. So I run into the camper and kill the music, and tell people the cops are here. Erik came out with me to talk to the officer, and he just told us the music was too loud, and to shut up and go inside. Simple enough. Most of the people went in without a problem, but a couple people drug their feet. By this time, only about 20 people were there.

Over the next hour, people started to leave as their cabs showed up, and it was starting to die down. I was getting excited that I might actually get some sleep. Erik, Demain, Nate and I went out to the back yard, and found there was just a small amount of beer left in the second keg. So what started as them drinking it, quickly turned into them having a water fight, with beer. Throwing full cups at each other, spraying people with the nozzle, stuff like that. Well, the kegs were gone pretty quickly after that. Erik went and got some rope, and decided to hang the empty kegs from the tree. He left them hanging about 15 feet in the air.

Nate was starting to pass out in the yard, and Erik and D thought it would be a good idea to pour the garbage can full of ice water from the keg on him. So they grabbed it and tried to sneak up on him, but he saw them. Instead of trying to run away, he just accepted it and threw his backpack away to keep it dry. Then he tried to tackle them for the next couple of minutes. It was hilarious, and not a bad way to finish off the night, at 7 AM.

I borrowed Nate's moped to go to the gas station and get some cigarettes for people shortly after. I was about a block away, and the thing ran out of gas, so I had to push it the rest of the way. Kind of sucked, but it's light so it wasn't bad. More annoying than anything. Got gas and smokes, and headed back home thinking I could finally get some sleep. But no. The 10 or so people left had gotten a second wind, and the party was picking up again, along with the music volume. I guess they figured it was after 8, so they could get away with it. I went down and turned it down and told Erik I was going to bed. He was sad, but accepted. I made it up the stairs and almost to my bedroom door when the music turned 'itself' back up. I said screw it and just went to bed anyways. The music was so loud, it was shaking the walls and all I could hear was it and the drunk people outside on the deck, right outside my window. I was in limbo between sleep and awake for a long time, and finally around 1 PM, I think when my parents came home, the music stopped and I finally got to sleep. I woke up at 4, and only my parents were home. They said Erik and everyone went to the beach to sleep. Seemed weird, but whatever. Hung around at home and told my parents (most) of what happened at the party. They weren't concerned about any of it, even the fire, and were proud at how well I'd handled it. I just told them it was from years of practice. Erik finally came home around 10 PM, having not slept at the beach, and crashed.

It was a pretty early night for me on Sunday too, since I hadn't gotten much sleep either. My parents thought the kegs in the tree was pretty funny, and they were there until I woke up today.

So that's the weekend in a nutshell. Saw some good people, had a good time, and some awesome memories. Now we'll just have to see if they leave on Wednesday. I'm sure they will.

Well, that's about it for now. My body still hasn't caught up on sleep, so I should probably get to bed.

Hope you guys are well!

143

_Kevin

Erik and D raising the trophies (and yes, Erik is wearing plaid pants, a leather jacket with tassels, and a cowboy hat. Don't ask.)



The 'stealth' attack