Anthony

Hey guys. I promise the post about my trip is coming. I have part 1 typed up and ready to go, but I want to share this first.

I don't know if I've mentioned my friend Anthony very much, other than he was the one who helped me with A Night On The Street.

I met Anthony about 6 years ago, when I was just a few of months sober. He was around the same amount clean as I, just a month or so less. We had a lot of the same interests, and were both big metal fans. We started hanging out more and more, and now we're like best friends. Lately, we've been playing pool once a week or so. We both get off work, then go spend a couple hours shooting.

Tonight was no different. I got off work, and it was raining and storming like none other. I almost didn't want to drive in it, but I like driving in horrible conditions. I picked him up and we went to play. Pretty usual night, although we weren't quite on our game tonight.

After a couple hours we left. It's about a 20 minute drive from the pool hall to his place. We were about halfway back listening to Alice In Chains, when the song Nutshell came on. There's a line in the song, about halfway through, that goes:

And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

I heard this, and thought, 'what the hell? Why not?' So I decided to tell Anthony I'm gay. I'd been thinking about telling him for a long time now, and felt the time was right. He is friends with a lot of gay people, so I didn't think it would be a problem. MY problem was trying to get the words out.

Basically, this is how it went.

'Can I tell you something?'
'OK'
'It's important, and rather hard to say'
'K'
Silence....way too much silence. At first, I used the excuse that I was driving, but that didn't last long. (Also, probably not the greatest idea to do this while driving. Oh well.)
Some nervous laughter and false starts on my part.
'You don't have to say it if you don't want to'
'No, I want to, I just don't know how'
'Oooh, I better light up a cigarette. This sounds juicy!' (Ha, asshole.)
'Haha. OK. Basically.....I'm gay'
'Really?'
'Yeah'
A brief pause that was killing me inside.
'Well that's cool, dude'

Then we spent the rest of the drive back to his place and then about 20 minutes sitting outside talking about various things. I guess he already suspected I was gay, and it wasn't really a surprise to him. That kind of caught me off guard, but it made sense after he said why, and I thought about it. Basically, he picked up on the fact that I never have a girlfriend, that I don't look at the hot women as they pass, and that when he comments on a girl, I usually don't. Fuck. I need to get better at that if I plan on staying in the closet a little longer. I thought I was doing an alright job.

Then he said how hard it must be for me to be living a double life. I told him he didn't even know the half of it. He was able to relate somewhat from his using days, always having to hide who and what you are and what you're doing, but it's not quite the same. But he said he understood, and that nothing, NOTHING between us will change because I told him. And again, just like with Roger, he thanked me for telling him. I still find that weird. I know it's because they appreciate that I trust them enough to tell, but I feel that I should be thanking them for being ok with it, and I do.

This was the first time I had said I'm gay to someone out loud. I've typed it a bunch, thought it a bunch, and said it out loud to myself, but it was really, really weird hearing myself say it to another human being. The words came out of my mouth, but it didn't feel like I said it. It was weird.

Anyways, I just thought I'd share that with you guys. I CAME OUT TO SOMEONE! IN PERSON! THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW! YAY!

Hope you guys are well!

I'll post the first part of the trip in the morning. (Well, my morning, you're afternoon :-P)

143

_Kevin




We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh...Oooh...
Oooh...Oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Oooh...Oooh...
Oooh...Oooh...