It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Hi all. I got back from the cabin last night. Was a pretty relaxing week, which was nice.

I woke up today with a call from Kaija informing me that our friend Cindy committed suicide on Monday. She was one of Kaija's mom's friends, and was living in an apartment above their garage. Monday morning, Deb (Kaija's mom) went in and found her dead. Apparently she took a bunch of Deb's anti-depressants. Deb said there are about 100 missing.

I met Cindy earlier this year at one of my BBQs, but she became one of the family almost instantly. She was a wonderful, easy going kind of person with a heart of gold. None of us thought she was suicidal, let alone depressed. So it came as a big shock to all of us. She will truly be missed. After my chiro today I'm going to go hang out with Kaija, Ian, and Garrett. But it will be a sad day I'm sure. Not exactly how I wanted to wake up.

I'm still having trouble believing she is gone. I don't know when the funeral will be, but hopefully I'll find out today.

143

_Kevin

I Pretend That It's All OK, Til On The Brink Of What Can't Be Endured

Hey guys.

Not a lot happening right now. I've been sick all week, so just lying low, trying to get better. I'm finally getting back to normal, so hopefully things will become less boring. I just thought I'd let you guys know what's up, and that I'm alive. Hopefully going up to the cabin this weekend, possibly the last time for the year. If I go, it'll probably be next week when I make a new post, assuming I have something to say.

I hope everyone out there is doing well.

143

_Kevin

Billy Howerdel, the guitar player and major song writer for A Perfect Circle, started a side project called Ashes Divide. I think it's pretty good, and it's interesting to hear him sing.

The World Won't Stop For You

First off, I would like to say thank you to Brian, Mind of Mine, DJ, Paul, and Tman for your comments, and R.Jimlad for his email. Your words of understanding and courage meant a lot to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I feel almost bi-polar the last couple of days. Some days I feel great, and I love every minute of it. Then the next day, everything sucks, and I want out. But I try to think of the good times, and surround myself with people I love. Almost all last week I spent every day with Kaija, Ian, the baby, and Garrett. Not really doing anything, just being together. It's been nice to get me out of my head, and not dwell on the negatives. They don't know what's been going on with me, but just being with them has helped.

On Wednesday I went to the state fair again with Erik and D, as well as some people I didn't know, to see Trampled By Turtles. They are a bluegrass band from Duluth, MN, and if you haven't heard of them yet, you will. They are blowing up. I've never been a fan of bluegrass, but there is something about them that I just love. And I respect anyone that can do amazing things with their instrument. I have their newest album and loved it, so I jumped at a chance to see them live. I can honestly say, it's the first time I've even heard of crowd surfing at a bluegrass show. Their energy is unbelievable. So that was a huge distraction. Everything in the world was perfect for that hour and a half.

Oh yeah, as a side note, my friend Aaron who works at the BP, went to high school with the banjo player. I thought that was pretty cool.

Thursday, went to band practice, wrote a new song on the spot, and everything fell into place almost instantly. The whole band was surprised. After, I drove up to the cabin for the long weekend. My mom went up Wednesday, and my grandparents were already up there. I got there around 3 AM and crashed instantly. The only bad thing, was I had a long, lonely 3 hour drive up there by myself. So my mind wandered, and some not great things came into my head. But I did my best to drown them out with music, and made it there alright.

Friday afternoon my aunt, uncle, and 2 out of three cousins came up (Ryan had to work). It was pretty rainy, so we just hung out inside playing gin. A little after dinner my dad showed up and we had a huge gin tournament, guys verses girls. As always, the guys won. I went to bed pretty early, since I was so tired from the night before.

Saturday we all went to play golf, but because my back is still giving me problems, I didn't play. So instead I drove my grandpa in the cart. The rain had cleared, but it was still rather cold, but nice to be outside nonetheless. Went back to the cabin and had a huge fish fry (my mom and grandpa had gone fishing on Wednesday, fresh walleye). After dinner we all watched a movie and hung out.

Sunday, rain. Some people went into town to go shopping, and the rest of us hung around the cabin. Late in the afternoon the rain stopped so my mom, dad, and I went out for a boat ride. We spent a good two hours lazily putting around the lake looking at the wonderful scenery. Went back, had dinner, and another movie.

Monday was nice. Lynn, Doug, and the kids had to leave right after lunch, so afterwards my parents and I went on another boat ride. It was nice, since most people were packing to go home, so the lake was almost empty, except for the die-hard fishermen. After a few hours on the lake we went back and slowly started to pack. We left around 6, and got home around 9. I went to bed pretty early again since I was tired from driving.

Although hardly anything exciting happened, it was a wonderful weekend full of relaxation. I think that did a lot for me. But now I'm starting to struggle again. My parents are going out of town this weekend, as well as Erik, so I think I'm going to have Kaija, Ian, and Garrett over for a bonfire. Hopefully that will help pull me out of my funk some more.

I ended up emailing a link to my last post to my cousin Roger, the one who I came out to. I figured it would be good for someone I actually know in person to know what's going on. But I never got a response from him, so I'm not entirely sure what to think. Oh well. I tried.

Well I guess that's about it for now. I'll keep you guys posted. Hope everyone is well.

143

_Kevin

Here is the video for one of the singles off of Trampled's new album. For some reason, I really like this song. It starts so mellow and sad, and then turns into a fire that can't be controlled. You can't see it too well, but their fiddle player is a beast, and does incredible things. Wait So Long