Clear The Air

Hey guys.

I guess I was a little too vague with my last post. Sorry. Didn't mean to make you guys worry.

I suppose it all started on Friday, when I went up to the cabin. I tried to be smart and go to bed early, so I could wake up early and drive up there. Well, that failed. I couldn't get my mind to shut off. I kept going through old memories, and how much it was going to hurt being at the cabin. So I ended up watching Top Gear until 5 AM. Then got up at 7:30 and got my stuff together. Finally left the house a little before 9.
I was pretty tired driving, but consumed enough caffeine to keep me going.

Over the winter, the owners of our cabin changed the locks, so we needed to get the new key. Since I was the first one up, I had to do it. I called him when I was about halfway there to let him know when I'd get there. Would have worked out too, except I hit a huge detour shortly after. I'd wanted to call and tell him, but by the time I knew how late I was, I had no cell service. So I just pushed on and made it to his work about half an hour late. Went inside and the receptionist told me I had missed him by about 2 minutes, and he had gone to lunch. Oh well. So I killed a half hour wandering around downtown Hayward. Not a bad way to spend a beautiful day.

Drove back to his office later and got the key from him. Then went back into town to get some lunch. I went to this nice little bar/grill place in downtown and sat outside enjoying the weather, and taking in the town. Since it was the middle of the day on a Friday, on a non-busy weekend, it was pretty dead, but nice just the same.

Finished up lunch and headed to the cabin. When I got there I had to open everything up. Turn on the water, power, heat, air it out and all that jazz. In the course of that I found a dead mouse in a mouse trap in the kitchen, and it looked like it had been there for a while. So not wanting to touch it, I went into the garage and got a shovel. I tried to scoop it up, but it was stuck, so I had to scrap it off with the shovel. Unfortunately, a silver dollar size piece stayed stuck on the floor. I think it was part of his stomach. Fucking disgusting. I sprayed it with some 409 to try and loosen it up, and left it.

I wasn't really sure what to do with myself. But it was really nice outside so I sat out on the deck and had some music playing. Shortly after, I decided it'd be nice to have a video of the lake, so I set up my phone on the railing and hit record. About a minute later a song came on that seemed really fitting, so I made it into the video that I posted. I continued sitting out there for a long time, and ended up filming the lake for 25 minutes.

I was reflecting on everything that had happened up there, and what it all meant to me, and all that stuff, feeling pretty bad. Then, another song came on, and I couldn't help but smile. I don't know why, but I just found myself with a small smile. Then I got up and went inside to read for a while.

I was really tired from not getting any sleep the night before, and I started to get a headache, so I went to bed around 9 that night. The rest of the family was showing up at different times the next day, so I knew I couldn't sleep late.

I woke up about 10, yes 13 hours of sleep, and hung around, mostly reading. The weather had turned and it was raining and windy. Finally about 2 Erik showed up with his dog, Kodi. We talked for a little bit, and then my parents and grandma showed up. We helped them unpack and then decided to do some offroading on the trails one last time. Right after we left, we passed my aunt and cousins on the road, so we turned back and brought my cousin James along too.

We spent a good 3 hours out on the trails having fun. We even taught James how to drive a 5 speed. I was impressed since he had no idea how, and we were off road. Headed back to the cabin so we could all go out to dinner.

We went to our favorite place, called the Sawmill, and had a blast. It was kind of sad, but more joyous than anything. I also taught my cousin Taylor how to properly play pool, instead of just hitting the ball as hard as possible. Halfway through dinner my uncle called and said he was at the cabin. So we hurried up and made our way back. My mom, aunt, and grandma got a little on the tipsy side. On the way back, we came upon a bunch of cop cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance blocking the road. My mom started freaking out, because that's what it looked like when she showed up at my grandparent's house when my grandpa first went into cardiac arrest. My aunt and grandma were in the other car, so we weren't sure how they were doing, but my mom was sure my grandma was freaking out too.

It turns out a car had rolled over and caught on fire. I'm not sure if the driver lived, or if there were passengers. When we finally drove past they were still spraying the car down. It put a nice damper on the evening though.

When we got back to the cabin, it had stopped raining, so we had a bonfire. My mom, grandma, brother, and I all smoked some cigars. Erik and I were smoking some of the ones my grandma had given me, that had been my grandpa's. So we thought it was fitting. Had a good time telling old stories and memories around the fire until about midnight. Then we went to bed since we had to pack everything up the next day.

I woke up feeling pretty bad, knowing what was coming. Got up, and everyone else had eaten and was already packing. It wasn't even 9, so I was surprised they were already busy. I tried my best to eat, which failed, and then half-heartily started to help. They had gotten most of the big stuff, so it was mainly gathering all the small stuff and putting it in bags.

My uncle ran into town to talk to the guy that was storing the pontoon, so when we finished packing we hung around trying to absorb as much as possible. I took one last trip down to the water and stood there taking it all in. The wind was blowing pretty hard, about 30 mph, but the rain was gone. I could feel my emotions starting to build up, but I kept it together.

I went back up to the cabin and sat with everyone else. I just started to space out and thought about all the old memories. Then I started to think how much it sucked, and how I was losing my refuge, and all the stuff I talked about before. My uncle came back, and then it was time to leave. My grandma wanted to be the last one out, so we all grabbed our stuff and said our last goodbye. We stood in the garage and waited for her. She came out crying, and we all said goodbye to each other, since we were in different vehicles and going different ways. I was the last one out of the garage, and then I closed the door and locked it for the last time. I had managed to keep my emotions in check up until this point, but as soon as I got into the truck and started to drive away, I started crying. The pain in my chest was much more than I thought it would be, and I thought I shouldn't be driving. But I kept on. Then I started to think about driving into a ditch. It wasn't good.

I think part of it was because of the reasons I listed earlier, but I think it was also closing the final chapter on my grandpa that made it so hard. I just wasn't in a good place, and I wanted out.

I did my best to get it out of my system by the time we drove into town. There, me and Erik stopped to poke around a little one last time, and my aunt and uncle and cousins stopped to get ice cream. We all ended up getting some lunch at the same bar I was at on Friday, and then we poked around. Again, it was sad, but in a retrospective kind of way. Then the kids started goofing around again, and I got out of my funk a little.

After that we started the long drive back home. It's not that long, about 3 hours, but the finality made it much longer. Got home and unloaded everything. Then just hung around until it was time for bed.

I've been doing alright with it the past few days, but that's only because I haven't let myself think about it. Every time I start to think about anything related to the cabin or my grandpa, I push it out of my mind. I just can't bring myself to think about it. Even writing this, I've teared up.

I'm sure it'll get easier with time, but right now it sucks.

Hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

Again, I don't know why this song made me smile, but it did.