Hey guys.
I wanna talk about something I haven't really talked about with anyone before. I guess you could say I'm rather sensitive about it.
My whole life I've always been on the heavier side. Not obese, but overweight. Currently, I'm 5'9" and 190 pounds.
January of 2009, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed, and had a bad reaction to the percocet. That, and my dentist over prescribed me, so I had an overdose. I threw up a lot, and couldn't eat for three days. Or drink water for two. In the end, I lost 15 pounds in 3 days. It wasn't fun, but I was actually happy with the results. I was down to 170-175.
I kept most of the weight off for a year, but come January 2010, I was back to around 185. Then I had surgery on my sinuses, and another overdose with the percocet (I've come to the conclusion that my body can't handle opiates. Good thing I was never a heroin addict). More vomiting, not eating, etc. After that weekend, I was back to 175ish, and I liked it.
Anyways, around this time I started accepting the fact that I was gay. It was weird at first, but finding blogland helped a lot. There was a point last year, and really up until a month or two ago, where I was in a depression about it. Not just gay, but that was the big part. I had my flirts with suicidal thoughts, but those went away after a bit. Anyways, I basically stopped caring, and gained the weight back. It was almost like I was punishing myself. Which doesn't make sense, since there's nothing wrong. But the mind does weird things.
So I just started eating whatever I wanted, and didn't care what I put into my body. Fast food, way too much pop, and not much exercise. Well, I've gotten tired of it. I saw a picture of myself earlier tonight from after my first 'overdose', and I want to go back to that. I don't like the way I look, and it's making me sad. I know the biggest thing that will help is to stop drinking pop, but I'm also worried about that. When I don't drink enough caffeine I get migraines. Which is why my pop intake has remained so high, at least five 20oz a day. I like coffee, but it's not the same. And I'm not a big fan of drinking coffee when it's really hot out.
But I've made a decision. I'm going to lessen my pop intake, and replace it with coffee, black. I've never liked sugar in my coffee, but usually cream. But I like it black too, and it's less calories that way. I'm going to try and eat healthier too. It'll be hard with work, because it's so easy to grab a candy bar or bag of chips, and it's easier to get fast food, than cook something and bring it to work. But I think if I talk to my mom about it, she'll help cook some things that I can bring.
I don't know. I just wanted to vent about this. It's been on my mind for a while, but like I said, I feel like I've been punishing myself, and just didn't care. Well I want to care. I don't want to die young. I should probably quit smoking too, but that'll be later. One step at a time.
They say that it takes 28 days of a new thing to become a habit. I don't know about that, but it's worth a shot. Even if I stop all the pop, without anything else, I'd probably loose weight.
I don't know why I'm telling you all about this. Why should you care? I'll stop now. Just wanted to get it out there.
143
_Kevin
And no, I don't want to overdose. As much as I liked the weight-loss, that shit fucking sucked. So don't worry about that. It's been a joke with my mom. Last winter I said, 'You know, I think it's getting about that time for another overdose.' Since I'd had one the past two winters. (She didn't think it was funny)
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4 years ago
I guess most of us would like to weigh a little less than we do. I don't know about drinking pop to prevent migraines, but drinking a diet pop will certainly reduce your calorie intake. Most of these don't contain caffeine though, so the headaches may return if that is what prevents them for you. I've found just one diet pop I really like and I stick with it.
ReplyDeleteGetting away from eating fast food will certainly help. Those candy bars and chips really hurt. Find a low-calorie, healthful snack you can take with you. I find those new 'baby carrots' suit me and they come washed and ready to eat. I've learned to really like them. You can eat just about all you want of them will no ill effects.
Will power for things like this has always been a problem for me. The right thing to do is, as you say, do it for a while, long enough to form a 'good habit'.
Your viewers DO care. We sympathize with your situation and understand you wanting to do this to better appreciate your body and to just generally feel better about yourself. Good luck!
Hi there, Kevin
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've commented here before, but I've been following your blog for a while.
Thanks for posting about this: I think it's a difficult subject for a lot of people, and hopefully what you have said will be helpful to someone else.
Your plan sounds good to me - good luck with putting it into practice. It can be done: I cut out things like icecream, and sugar on cereals, about twenty years ago, when I could see what they were starting to do me. More recently I switched from sugar to saccharin in coffee.
Another factor you might want to include in the mix (if you haven't already) is some exercise. Not necessarily pumping iron in the gym - just some time walking each day will be beneficial. I normally spend 40-45 minutes each day walking as part of my journeys to and from work, and it's something I'd be very wary of giving up. It's also a good time to think.
And why should I care? Because you're a member of our community - you've clearly had some bad times, and I'd like to see you feeling better about yourself.
Take care
Mark
You can get the caffeine without the sugar: drink Coke Zero or Diet Pepsi or any of the other diet drinks. I'm not much of a soda drinker, I'd weigh more than I do now - my poison is iced tea! Winter and summer. I don't care much for coffee, though the folks at work at coffee-holics, and they buy good stuff, so at least when I do drink it, it's somewhat tasty.
ReplyDeleteI need to get out walking again. Badly. Quite frankly, I also throw $42/month at a gym I haven't seen the inside of in probably two years.
I see Mark has chimed in, he's a great guy! Hi, Mark!
Peace <3
Jay
Time to shape up, youse guys!!! lol!
ReplyDeleteKev, you need to pack a lunch, and definitely quit the junk food. Brian is right, you can eat carrots and other veggies 'till they come outta your ears! I do!
And YOU should learn to cook/prepare your own meals!
Maybe start drinking tea instead of coffee? I think you can wean yourself off coffee...I used to drink 5-6 cups/day, now I drink 3-4 cups a week...you gotta do it slowly/gradually though.
And quit the pop, as it's bad for your teeth!
Do regular, vigorous exercise, basketball was my sport of choice when I was your age (I still coach.) Can you bicycle or walk to work?
These are just random thoughts...you can make small changes over time...
Mark's and Jay's advice is good, too.
I'll shoot you an email soon, and we can talk.
:-)
-Andy