I'm Kevin and this is my life. I'm 22 years old, I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life while working a dead end job, and I'm gay.
Email is in my profile for MSN or whatever.
Some people are rotten deep down to the core Some people got the kick of a bull and the lies of a chronic thief in store Some people try to take you out if they can But I'll go right through them I'm the battering ram
Been running my whole life and I'm still running
Integrity is something you never had Reverence to your lies as a person you're bad Falsified living on the truth you're gonna choke I'll just sit back and watch you cut your own throat Back biting hypocrite you're a liar Telling lies is what fuels your fire Once you get discovered the bullshit ends I ain't stopping
BATTERING RAM RIGHT ON RIGHT ON RIGHT ON RIGHT ON THROUGH YOU
Some people got no reliance some people are shit Some people got no validity not a bit Some people want to break down what's inside if they can But I go right through them I'm a Battering Ram
Been running my whole life and I'm still running
The man who talked shit I shut him down he's through Beat down the lies till they're black and blue He talked so much shit but not today I'm a steam engine get outta my way I disregard the attempt to take me out I curse the thought of another bout but it's my method I ain't stopping
BATTERING RAM RIGHT ON RIGHT ON RIGHT ON RIGHT ON THROUGH YOU
Ah yeah right on through Ah right on fucking through
Some people are rotten deep down to the core Some people got the kick of a bull and the lies of a chronic thief in store Some people try to take you out if they can But I go right through them I'm a Battering Ram
BATTERING RAM RIGHT ON RIGHT ON RIGHT ON RIGHT ON THROUGH YOU
Is it just me, or does it seem like the interesting stuff I've been talking about lately revolves around Anthony?
Had another interesting conversation with him yesterday, although this time not so nice. I guess to make things a little easier, I'll give you a little background information.
When I first got sober 6.5 years ago, I was scared and lonely. Plus I think my mohawk was a little off-putting to some people. So I was trying to meet people that had some similar interests as me, other than getting clean. About 3 months into it, I met Anthony. He was around my age, I think he's 5 years older than me. And he liked metal and punk, like me. We had a lot of interests in common, and we hit it off really well right away.
I was a kid who drank too much, smoked weed, and didn't go to school. He was a guy who drank if he wanted, smoked a lot of weed, and did WAY too much cocaine. But we were both sober, and we grew close. For years he was, and still is, one of my best friends. We've done pretty much everything together. We've always been honest with each other; although sometimes not quite timely with that honesty. It took me months to tell him about my relapse, and it wasn't until this year that I told him I was gay.
The last couple months he's been having some money problems; not having enough for rent or groceries or whatever. So since I have a job and some extra money, I've been helping him out. He'd been losing some days at work, so it just wasn't there. It got to the point where he owed me around $500 when he started paying me back. Kind of. He'd give me a little here, a little there. But he'd always borrow more than he'd pay back. Since I'm still at home, rent free, it wasn't a huge deal for me. I knew I'd get it back eventually.
So yesterday we're hanging out at his place, and we're outside smoking a cigarette, when he says he needs to tell me some stuff. Usually, that's how he'd start off when he needed some money, so I just rolled my eyes and said it'd be nice for once to hear something good from him and not something bad. He laughed, but said it was still something bad. So I figured he needed some more money. I wish he had.
He then proceeded to tell me that for the last 5 months or so, he'd been doing coke and smoking weed again. And it wasn't just like a little bit. At first, his tolerance was pretty low, since it had been so long since he'd done it. But being the addict that he is, that didn't last long. He said it had gotten to the point where he was doing 2 eight balls of coke (3.5 ounces per ball, 7 ounces total. Which, according to my sources, averages to about $200 a ball) and an 1/8 of weed a day. Now I must say, at this point I was completely shocked. Anthony had always told me that if he started doing cocaine again, he'd die. And I can see that if he had continued doing it, he would have.
I was trying to process all of this, and then the thought popped into my head, and I made the mistake of asking, "How much of the money that I've given you went to coke?" Feeling my stomach drop as I asked it, and really, really not wanting to know the answer. And he replied, "All of it."
We continued talking about it, and he's been sober for about 3 weeks now, and getting back into the program full force, and all that jazz, which is good. But now I'm left feeling conflicted. One the one hand, I'm happy that he's sober again, and that he told me everything. The other hand, I'm sad that it happened at all. And I'm disappointed that it happened, and that he didn't come to me for help. And I'm hurt that he used me for money to get drugs. And I feel like I dropped the ball; that I should have seen or noticed something. I'd been seeing him every or every other week during the whole time. And I'm also fucking pissed that he lied to my face so he could go get high. It's so much, that I don't know what to feel. Being one myself, I know you can't really be that mad at an addict, because that's just how they are. They lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want. But I feel that because of the history we have, it should have been different. But I also know, that history doesn't mean shit.
I talked to my dad about it, who is also sober, and he understood all of those emotions, but didn't really have an answer for me. So I don't know what to do or think. Do I treat him the same, like nothing happened? Do I kick his ass? I don't want to lose him as a friend, so I don't want to just walk away. But I don't know how to react. I was used, and that is not a good feeling. I don't know. I feel so numb to it right now. Help?
I had with Anthony tonight while playing pool. He was telling me about his friend Tony and his wife (whose name I can't remember right now). They've been married for a few years now, and have 3 kids. One 6 year old, and two 1 year old twins. They've always had a great relationship, love each other, great parents, yada yada yada. But I guess the other day, his wife told Tony that she was gay. Well that was a shock. She just started to figure it out, but I guess it's always kind of been there in the back of her head. She was raised in a non homosexual friendly home, so I think that played part of her not knowing for sure until now. I think she's around 28 or so.
Anyways, what's interesting to me, is that she doesn't want to break up. She still loves Tony, she just isn't attracted to him. And she wants to keep a family together for the kids. Tony isn't quite sure what to think (obviously) but he isn't mad. He's accepting of her being gay, but doesn't know what to do. She did say she wouldn't mind if he went out and met someone, as could she. Then he got to thinking, could he bring a girl home and have a 3 some? Haha, gotta love guys finding out their wife is a lesbian.
I guess there isn't really a point to all of this. I just found it kind of weird that she wants to stay together even though she's gay. I guess we'll see what happens in time.
In other, fucking AWESOME news, I made myself a little purchase on ebay last week. Lars Frederiksen, one of the guitar players/singers for Rancid, and one of my musical heroes since I was 5 years old, put up for auction one of his shirts that he made, and a sweater he's owned since 91. So me being the Rancid fanatic that I am, bid. And won. I originally only bid on the sweater, because there was a lot of interest on the shirt early on. But a couple hours before it ended I put a bid on the shirt too, for shits and giggles. But what would you know, I won both. It's fucking awesome. I also got a picture of Lars with each one, and an autographed picture too. I was flipping out at work when I found out I won. Too cool! The sweater is too small for me, so I think I might frame that with the picture and autograph. But the shirt fits so I've been wearing that. But I don't want to wear it too much, so it doesn't get ruined.
And since I know you'll ask, google it and study up on your Norse mythology.
Towards the end of the video, you'll see Tim and Lars walking around a city, and Lars is wearing to sweater.
Well don't I just take the cake for being a bad blogger. Sorry guys. I've been busy, just not really with anything exciting. Erik and Demian came home last Monday late at night, and we hung out catching up for a while. Tuesday Erik and I went to Demian's place to hang out and unload their truck. They had accumulated a lot of stuff along the way and the truck bed was full. A lot of random things they got from Burning Man, and a whole fuckload of rocks. Between what was in the truck, the camper, and what's still in the Jeep out in Portland, they said they have about 500 or 600 pounds of rocks. They're big into rocks (obviously) and went on rock hunting trips and to quarries and stuff. So we unloaded that and then their friends started showing up to say hi. The first 10 or more days of October here were in the mid 80's so we were just hanging out outside enjoying the weather. We were going to go see Chromeo that night at First Ave so we were killing time. We decided since it was so nice that we'd bike to the show. So around 5 oclock or so we loaded up the bikes and drove into the city to their friend Kevin's house. Still had time to kill so we hung out some more, blasting music from the trike (for the first time in over 4 months. It was really nice!). Finally it was time for the show so we jumped on the bikes and headed out. I think there was around 14 of us on bikes. Some people drove, for some lame reason, but most were on bikes. It was a nice ride down to the show, all of us happy to be doing it. When we got to the show, we had to figure out a way to lock up all the bikes to the trike so no one would steal it. The speaker box is lockable, but you could still wheel the whole thing away. So we locked 5 bikes to it.
As we were standing on the sidewalk (completely blocking it, too), I saw a guy trying to get by BuBu. So I told him to move out of the way to let him through. Then Demian sees the guy, and starts pointing and trying to say something. Finally he gets out, "You're that guy! P-Thugg. Shit!" The guy just smiles and says yeah. It was the keyboard player from Chromeo walking around before the show. So then Demian says, "Not to be a groupie or anything, but can we get a picture of you with our gnome?" Which then led to a discussion about Jerome, and then the group picture. I somehow got relegated to camera man, so I'm not in it, and it's on Demian's camera, so I don't have it, unfortunately. We let him get on his way and then went into the show. Somehow Demian got Jerome into the show and we went to stake out a good spot. The opening band was almost done when we got there, but they were pretty good. They were called Mayor Hawthorne. I wasn't familiar with them, but it was enjoyable. We danced around a bit with Jerome, but when Chromeo came on, Yogi ran up and grabbed Jerome and ran off. Turns out, he wormed his way up to front and center with Jerome and was dancing around up there. Chromeo saw him, and loved it. They were interacting with him; it was awesome. So after dancing our asses off for a couple hours, the show was over. We headed back out to the bikes and decided to take a ride to Tom's house. It was about a 45 minute ride, and it was a blast. We hung out there for a few hours before Erik and I biked back to the truck and went home. I think I finally got to bed around 5 in the morning.
Wednesday was recovery day for everyone. Erik was gone by the time I got up, and I guess they all met up at the beach to spend the day in the sun recovering from the night before. Since it was their coming home, Demian's birthday, and a Chromeo show they all partied pretty hard and weren't feeling too hot. I just hung around the house all day and then went and hung out with Kaija and the kids. Was a pretty calming day for me.
This past Monday, my friend Joey (who used to work at the BP) found out she has breast cancer. She goes in for surgery tomorrow. So she's been kind of freaking out about that, so I've been trying to hang out with her and try to keep her calm. She's only 39, so a little on the young side for it, but still not completely unexpected. She's doing relatively well, considering, but she's still pretty nervous. It really sucks, but hopefully all goes well. And if not, I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes.
So that and work is pretty much all I've been up to lately. The Friday after Erik got home, we went and bought tickets to see Puscifer for when they come here in November. So that's pretty cool. We saw them last year when they were here, and it was probably one of the greatest shows I've ever seen. It's not just a rock concert, either. Maynard bills it as a 'cabaret show'. It has comedy, video skits, and music all tied into one. It's really interesting. I can't wait. Puscifer has a new album coming out this week, but they started streaming it online right after Erik came home, and I kinda thought the song above was fitting.
What's going on with you guys? I feel like I haven't been around lately and don't know what's going on. So what's going on, blogland?!
Hope you guys are well!
143
_Kevin
P.S. Don't you just love getting paid to blog? That's one of the greatest things about working at the BP. I'm sitting here at 9 oclock on a Sunday night, writing a blog post, listening to Bad Religion, and getting paid to do it.
Not my video, but this is Chromeo playing at First Ave. We were off to the right over by the stairs. Not great quality, but it gives you an idea.
Here's one of their videos so you can see what they're like.
So, some stuff's been happening. Let's start with the bad.
Last week, my grandpa's sister (my dad's aunt, or my great aunt, if you please) passed away. She had been suffering from dementia for a couple of years, but held together pretty well. She lived up in Duluth, MN. I hadn't seen her in a few years, but when I was a kid I remember going up there and visiting her a lot. Everything about that town was so amazing to me, and I loved going up there. So last Thursday was the funeral. I had to work, but talked to my boss and she said I could come in whenever, and to take my time. The time frame sucked though. I got home from work around midnight on Wednesday, ate some food and decompressed like usual, and fell asleep around 3:30-4. I had to wake up at 5:45 to get ready, and we had to be at my grandparents' house by quarter to 7. Usually, it's only a 2.5 hour drive from my house to Duluth, but my parents were riding up with my grandparents, and I was following. Plus there was a decent amount of road construction on 35. So in all it took us about 3 hours to get there, right on time for the 10 o'clock visitation.
I got to see some family that I hadn't seen in a while, and it was nice to catch up, even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. I was wearing my black suit that I bought when my grandpa died, and everyone kept saying how nice I looked, until I pointed out my shoes. I didn't want to drive all the way up in my dress shoes, since they're fucking uncomfortable, so I wore my hiking boots like always. Was planning on changing when I got there. Well, since I'd only gotten about 1.5 hours of sleep, when I walked out the door, I thought I'm wearing shoes, so I'm good. Not until I pulled into the parking lot of the church did I realize I forgot the dress shoes. So I was in an all black suit, with dirty brown hiking boots. Since everyone kept saying how nice I looked, I said they'd start expecting that from me, so I had to keep it low class somehow. It got a few chuckles.
The service was a service. More or less the same as any other funeral I've been too. Originally, my grandpa was supposed to be one of the pallbearers, but with his age and health, I was asked to step in. So I had my first experience with that. It kinda creeped me out. Also, it wasn't as heavy as I would have imagined. But I guess having six people carrying takes off some of the weight. Since I was bearing pall, I had to go to the graveside service too, which was a first for me. But I must say, standing in the sun in an all black suit, with no wind, when it's 78 degrees out, kinda sucks. Was really sweaty. After that, I said my goodbyes while everyone else went to mingle or whatever. I was off to work. My mom was worried about me driving on such little sleep, but I said I'd be fine. Which was true, until I started blanking out, and couldn't really remember that I was driving. It all seemed like a dream. So I stopped for some caffeine and did some jumping jacks and kept going. Got to work around 6 and had an incredibly busy night, since everyone was getting ready to go out of town for Labor Day. Got home around midnight again, and crashed around 1. What a wonderful night's sleep that was.
OK. Enough of the sad. On to the good! Where to start....
First off, I talked to Erik the other day, and they successfully survived Burning Man. They are currently in Yosemite for a couple of days and then are going to Death Valley. I asked when they would be coming home, and he said in October. The 4th is Demian's birthday, and he wants to be back to see Chromeo play that day. But they also want to see Further at Red Rocks the weekend before that, and don't want to rush, so we'll see. But they're slowly working their way home! I can't wait to hear all about it.
I finally got my audio interface to work properly. I ended up having to re-install windows on my computer, and somehow that fixed the problem. Just sucked that I had to back up my whole hard drive. Took flippin ever! I still haven't reloaded all that back on. I haven't found a time where I won't need my computer for 9 hours. So now we can FINALLY start recording our cd and get that out there. I'll keep you posted on that.
And finally, the big event.
My friend that I work with, Aaron, has been looking to buy a house for the last few months or so. He talked to a mortgage guy and got approved for a loan, got in contact with a realtor who has been sending him houses and stuff. It was decided that I, and his friend Nicky, would move in with him. His mortgage guy did some calculations, and his monthly payment should be around $700 a month. Which works out to about $233 a person, plus utilities. Which is pretty damn cheap, since we'll be in a house.
Anyways, he met with the realtor yesterday to look at a house, and then called me last night to ask if I could cover his shift for a couple hours today so he could meet with her again. So I said sure. Then he comes running into work today with a big smile on his face, and says he put an offer on the house. !!! Sweet! I'd seen pictures, and we'd driven by a few days before and I saw it from the outside, and I really liked it. Around 1500 square feet, and a HUGE back yard. Then, I get a phone call from him earlier tonight, and they accepted the offer. There are some things that need to be fixed before he can close, but the seller is paying to have it all fixed, which is nice. If all goes according to plan, he should close around 11/11/11. So come mid November, I'll be moving out! Fucking finally!
I like living at home, and it's free :-P, but it'll be nice to finally get out on my own. I'm 21 for fuck's sake. So I'll be living on the Greater East Side of St. Paul, which is a whole new world for me. I've never been a big fan of St. Paul, because the streets confuse me. In Minneapolis, the streets are more or less in a grid shape, and they go numerically and alphabetically. Not in St. Paul. The joke is that the streets were laid out by a bunch of drunken Irishmen. Guess it's time to learn.
So that's been my life for the last little bit. Some good, some bad. I'll keep you guys posted on the cd and the house.
Hope you guys are well!
143
_Kevin
Oh yeah! I lost all my email contacts, so if you want me to have your email address, or whatever, send me an email so I get it back! Thanks!
Heard that at work today. It irritates me that there is still so much hatred towards gays, and that it's still socially 'acceptable' to call things/people gay, fag, whatever. We live in a rather 'politically correct' world nowadays. Most people will at least look at you weird, if not say something, if you were to go around calling black people niggers, or asain people gooks, or assuming all middle eastern people are terrorists, or any of the other 'once acceptable' terms for people other than white. Shit, I'm surprised that they are still allowed to sell a chewing tobacco called Red Man, with a generic Native American chief as the logo.
I'm getting so tired of hearing people say all that. I can tolerate it when it's some random person, but when it's people that I know, people that I care about, it really tears me up. I'm glad no one in my family does it. My younger cousins do, but I'm trying to fix that. It's hard though when everyone they hang out with does it too. I did try to explain to them that there could be people around them that they care about, that are gay and no one knows, and that saying that really hurts them. They hadn't thought about it that way, so maybe there's hope.
I don't know. I like to think that it'll change, but I really don't know anymore. I wonder sometimes what the people around me would do if I came out. Most, I like to think, wouldn't care. But the ones that say all that shit all the time, I wonder if they'd stop, keep doing it, or just abandon me altogether.
The other day, I was hanging out with Anthony after work. He occasionally uses gay as a derogatory word, even though he doesn't have a problem with homosexuality, and has a lot of gay friends. He asked if it tore me up inside every time he said it around me. And so I told him, yes. But it wasn't as bad with him, since I knew his feelings towards gays. But I was glad that he acknowledged the fact that he said that around gay people, and that there might be repercussions.
I don't know. I need sleep. I'll fill you guys in on what's been happening soon. Going to the 'Great Minnesota Get Together' (state fair) tomorrow, so I should get some sleep.
Hope you guys are well.
143
_Kevin
Came across this video and thought it was cool. Vulgar, but cool.
This song was written about racism, but I think it holds true for sexuality too. One more reason to love Rancid!
