How Fragile Is The Flame That Burns Within Us All To Light Each Passing Day?

Hi.

Well, yesterday they pulled the breathing tube, but my grandpa kept breathing on his own. So they moved him into hospice. I was at work, while my parents were at the hospital. I was talking to my dad as he told me all this. I asked if there was a chance he would come back, but they said there was no response from my grandpa. They poked him in the eye with a q-tip, and tried to make him gag/cough with no results.

My mom called me earlier this morning, after having gone back to the hospital, and my grandfather passed away a little before 7 this morning. Although sad, we were all hoping it would be soon, since we knew he was already gone. He died Wednesday night when his heart stopped.

The doctors said that since he went into cardiac arrest, and didn't have a heart attack, he went instantly without pain, and without fear. He was just dead.

I guess with a heart attack, the heart fills with too much blood, and it can't pump it out, so it gives up. It's painful, slow, and doesn't always kill you. With cardiac arrest, your heart just stops beating. No warning, no pain, no nothing. You're just dead. So that was nice to hear that he didn't suffer.

Erik and I got to say our goodbyes on Saturday before I went to work, so I've been expecting this, and have slowly come to terms with it. It's still sad, and I think I'm still rather numb. But I'm trying to stay strong for my mom and grandma.

My mom is kind of holding it together. I think she's trying to stay strong for her mom too. But she's starting to accept that her dad is gone. She's spent the last 5 days at the hospital, and hasn't gotten much sleep. A couple of nights she stayed with my grandma at her house, or my aunt stayed.

My grandma is a total wreck. They were married for 52 years, and now the love of her life is gone. I'm not too sure how this is affecting her, other than tearing her apart. I've only seen her for an hour or two on Saturday. I just hope this doesn't kill her. She's 75, but in better health than my grandpa was, so I think she'll be ok.

The funeral is going to be next Tuesday, February 8th. Earlier, my mom asked if me or Erik wanted to do a scripture reading at the funeral. They want two of the grand kids to read something. Erik and I aren't too sure, since neither of us are very religious, and don't like talking in front of big groups of people. Plus I'm not sure if I'd be able to hold it together. Lynn's kids are religious, so two of them might end up doing it. We'll see.

I appreciate all the kind words you guys have shared with me. It makes it easier for me to move forward. You all mean the world to me.

I guess that's about it.

Here's a picture of Erik, my grandpa, and me when I was 2 or 3.



I hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

Update

Hey guys.

First off, I just want to say thank you for all your kind words and thoughts. It really means a lot to me.

Things are....interesting. Right now it's a lot of hurry up and wait.

He's still alive, which is good. We aren't sure how long his brain went without oxygen though. The doctors said 0-5 minutes without oxygen, you have a pretty good chance of coming back, with little or no brain damage. 5-10 minutes is the gray area. He might come back, but probably with some amount of damage. Then 10-15 minutes the chances of him coming back at all are rather small. We're guessing we're somewhere in the gray area.

My grandparents were watching tv, my grandma in a chair up close, and my grandpa in a chair behind her a little. All of a sudden she heard a noise from him. She said it sounded like all the air rushing out of him. She turned around to look, and he was sitting there with his head tilted back, mouth open, all gray and not breathing. So she called 911 right away, but can't remember how long it took them to get there. She thinks around 5-7 minutes. Then they had to work for a while to get his heart beating again. All of that adds up, and the line between fine, maybe ok, and bad is really thin.

Last night they started to cool down his body to 32 degrees Celsius (around 89 degrees Fahrenheit)to help protect his brain against further damage. They got him cooled down around 6 AM this morning. They'll keep him there for 24 hours and then start to warm him back up again. That'll happen around 6 AM Friday. It'll take about 12 hours to warm him back to normal. Then they'll take him off the sedatives and other drugs they put him on. So around 8 PM tomorrow night will be the first possible time for him to wake up. The doctors aren't really expecting him to wake up that soon though. They gave him about a 50% chance of waking up at all. They usually wait 2, maybe 3 days to see if he'll wake up. If he doesn't by then, he most likely won't ever. So then the hard choices come into play. Or he could wake up, but not be the same person anymore. My mom says that'll be the hardest. If he's alive, but no longer her father.

We're going to go back to the hospital tomorrow around 8 PM and see what happens. If nothing, my parents are going back at 8 AM Saturday morning. I'll probably go there around noon before I have to go to work. I don't want to go to work, but I talked with Aaron about it (who I'll be working with) and he said if I need to come in late, not at all, or leave in the middle that's fine. So at least I'll be able to get there if something happens.

In a perfect world, he'll wake up tomorrow night and all will be fine. But in reality, my mom and grandma aren't very optimistic. I think some of that is to prepare for the worst, and be pleasantly surprised, but I also think they think it just won't happen. I'm not really sure what I think.

I'm still kinda numb to it all. I'm sure once I see him tomorrow it'll sink in more.

I had an interesting dream last night. My grandpa, and my great grandpa always liked turquoise. In my dream, it was my grandpa's funeral. All of us were wearing turquoise suits, and having a great time celebrating his life. It was very pleasant. Not sad at all. I'm not really sure what to make of it. But I thought it was nice. It didn't make me sad. I actually woke up with a small smile on my face. I think that's the mindset I need to keep. Hold on to all the good things, no matter what happens.

I guess that's about it. I'll post when I know more.

143

_Kevin

My Heart Stopped Beating

Hi.

OK, so my brother was going to work on Aaron's car tonight/tomorrow night, so this afternoon before work Aaron comes over and drops it off at my house and we ride to work together. Work was work. The plan was to have Aaron drop me off at my house, then he'd take the truck home since he has to work tomorrow and I don't. So we leave the BP and we get to my house. I notice Erik's car isn't there, no surprise, but my dad's car was gone too. At first I thought Erik took that, and someone had his car. It wouldn't be the first time. Aaron had left one of the parts for his car at his house, so I was going to take one of my parents' cars and follow him so he wouldn't have to drive my truck really far, since gas is so expensive. So I ran inside to grab the keys to my mom's van. Then I noticed that my dad's phone and wallet were gone too. So I checked they're bedroom and neither of my parents were there. Wouldn't be too weird, except it was 11:30 at night, and they're rarely up that late, let alone gone, let alone on a Wednesday night. I thought something might have happened to my mom's friend with brain cancer, so I decided to drive by. Went back outside to Aaron and told him I was confused that they were gone. I got in the van and he followed in the truck. I drove by Mary's house, but there wasn't any cars there and all the lights were off. So they weren't there. I called my dad to ask where they were. Usually when we call each other we answer with DUDE!, just because we're weird. But this time he answered 'Kev' and his voice was really quite. I knew that wasn't good right away. I asked where they were, and he said Grandpa Jim (the one with the kidney problems) had gone into cardiac arrest and they were at the hospital. As soon as he told me that my brain shut down, and I felt all the blood drop from my face. I realized I was still driving and slammed on the breaks. Fortunately, we were on a side road with no traffic, and Aaron was a good distance behind me. I just sat there in the middle of the road trying to process things. They had managed to get his pulse back, but he was still unconscious. They didn't really know anything else at that point, so after talking a little more with my dad, we hung up. I got out of the car and went to tell Aaron. He wanted me to forget about him and to go to the hospital, but I didn't. I wanted to finish this, and then figure out what to do. I didn't want to sit at home alone, that was for sure. So he begrudgingly agreed, and we headed off to his house. It's about a 20 minute drive, and the whole way there I was numb. I just couldn't process what was happening. I grabbed the part from Aaron, and then headed home. On the way I called my dad and asked him what I should do. I wanted to go to the hospital, but wasn't sure if I should. He said I could, but then realized they wouldn't let a fourth person in. My grandma and parents were already there. So he just said to go home and think good thoughts. We talked a little more, then hung up. I called Erik to let him know what was happening, and he said he'd be home soon. I finished driving home and Erik was there. After I filled him in more, we spent the next hour watching tv in silence, then he went to bed and I got on here. I'm still numb, and don't know what to do. I told my parents I'd be up, and probably would have been anyways, and to call me if they learned anything. So I here waiting by the phone for any news. I really hope he doesn't die. I don't know what I'll do if he does. I'll let you guys know when I know something.

Bleeding Me

Hey everyone.

As Octavius pointed out, it's been a little bit. I started work, albeit only 2 days so far. Training was pretty easy, and honestly with all the time I've spent there, it didn't even feel like work. I guess that's a good thing.

This Wednesday they're getting an updated register with a bar code scanner. So instead of having to manually enter everything, most of it we'll scan now. Which means most of what I learned last weekend will be pointless. Oh well. Linda said after that gets put in I'll get more hours, so that'll be cool.

I had my hopes and dreams crushed on Tuesday the 11th. A boy I've had a huge crush on, Tristen, for about 7 months now, played the religion card. As he put it, he's very against homosexuality, simply because it's not how god made us to be. I didn't tell him I was gay, or that I like him. I just brought things around to homosexuality, and asked his thoughts on it. Not what I wanted to hear.

Now, as you know, I'm not religious. But I don't force my views on other people. You believe what ever you want, just don't expect me to follow along. I have no problem with people who believe in god. But I can't explain how much it hurt to hear this angel say he despises the way I am. Granted, he doesn't know that, but still. It tore me up inside, and I wished I hadn't asked. Ignorance is bliss, right?

When I told him that some of my other friends are gay, and that they're perfectly normal, he said yeah, except they kiss other men. So? Why does that matter? Then came the whole god didn't make us....blah. I did throw him a hint though, and said that there are probably people in his life who he cares about that are gay and he has no idea. He did say true, but we basically dropped it after that.

I didn't really think he was gay, just a hope. Sometimes I would wonder about him, and it all just seemed to fit. I figured if anything, he wasn't, but didn't care. I didn't expect him to feel so strongly against it. It's times like this that I do really hate religion. Because of religion, and his upbringing, he hates people like me for no other reason than because some guy in a white robe at a pulpit told him to. I'm sorry, but that's just fucked up. Talk about following like sheep.

Anyways, I need to move on. If I've offended anyone with the religiousness, I apologize. Thursday I did find the single greatest way to pick myself up, and get out of my depression. Kaija and Ian's baby Addie's laugh. Just sitting there watching her laugh and learn new things brings the biggest smile to my face. I was over there on Thursday feeling like shit, and just starting playing with Addie. The next thing I know, I'm laughing hysterically and having a wonderful time. The whole house was filled with laughter. Once I left I started to feel bad again, but it was a great escape for a few hours.

About a month ago, Aaron found 4 tickets on the ground at the BP while he was working for Trampled By Turtles. I posted a video of theirs a while ago. A local bluegrass band that has started to explode. Well the show was last night and Aaron, my brother, Demian and I all went. It was at the legendary First Avenue in Minneapolis (look it up, wikipedia is your friend). It was an amazing show, although I must say it wasn't quite as good as when I saw them at the State Fair this past summer. I think it was just the energy. The Fair was a free, outdoor concert, while this was a paid, sold out, indoor show in the middle of January in Minnesota. But for being my second time seeing them, they were amazing. My back still hurts from it.

I think that's about all that's worth talking about. I've got a massage scheduled for tomorrow, and a chiro on Wednesday, so hopefully the back will calm down. Band practice is slowly moving forward. I think we'll do one more new song, and a cover song, and we should have enough for an album. I'll keep you guys posted.

I hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin

There's so much raw emotion, it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. If you don't know this song, go buy the album and get to know it all.



Not from the show I was at, but it gives you an idea.

Indigo Children

Good news!

I got a job! I'll be working at the BP.

Aaron (from the BP) called me today and asked if I wanted to work there. Apparently Alicia, a girl my age who works there, has an interview to be a nurse's assistant and will soon be quitting. Linda, the co-owner, has been thinking about what to do once Alicia leaves for a while now, and everyone has been saying my name. I had no idea. So I'm going up there tomorrow to talk to Linda, and I'll probably start training later this week or next. Although from all the time I've spent up there, I know how to do pretty much everything expect the register. So it should be easy training. Finally, I can get my parents off my back. I think my mom is more excited than I am about the job. But it'll be fun. Besides, I spend most of my time up there anyways, might as well get paid too.

Ummmm.....Not a whole lot else to talk about....

Don't you just love it when you're bored? I don't. So I made this in the middle of the night last night, and then finished it today.



Hope you guys enjoy!

143

_Kevin

A Time Of Death, A Time Of Life

So, in a time already filled with death (my uncle, almost my grandpa, and my mom's friend dying SLOWLY from brain cancer), what more could I need? How about more death. Although, this time more removed. Last Sunday, my friend Wyatt's grandma died. He and his mom lived with her, so I saw her on a regular basis, and surprisingly, she was very supportive of our music. She loved it when we came over for practice. She was very tolerant for a 90 year old woman.

Anyways, her funeral was today, which I went to with my parents. It was the first funeral I've been to not as a kid, and actually understanding what's going on. It was a rather surreal experience. A relatively small service, and her pastor came to speak. Instead of doing a eulogy, they did a DVD presentation of pictures from her life. A really beautiful piece of work. They started with the song Amazing Grace on piano and someone singing, and then at the end of the service they played it again, but this time played on the bagpipes. The second version really moved me for some reason. I'm not a huge bagpipe fan, or Amazing Grace fan, but something about it struck me.

Today being NYE, I went over to Kaija and Ian's place for the night. It was just the three of us, and her mom, and the baby, hanging out watching movies and playing games. It was a great time. This is the first low-key NYE I've had in years. Usually I'm the sober cab for my brother and friends, going around to all the different parties. So it was a nice change of pace.

But I got some exciting news while I was over there today. Kaija and Ian are going to have ANOTHER baby! Addie, their first, just turned six months old last week, and now there's another on the way. They said it wasn't planned, but not prevented either. Just an inevitable accident, like Addie. So that's really exciting. I hope it's a boy this time.

Roger came, and left. I hung out with him for a couple days. I had this whole thing planned out when I saw him where I'd give him a big hug, tell him all this stuff, say how much I appreciate him and all he's done, etc...

But you know what happens when I plan stuff? Nothing. When I first saw him, I gave him a hug, but other family was around, so I left it at that, figuring I'd do it later. But we spent most of our time with the rest of the family. We went and saw the British Advertising Awards at the Walker Art Center, watched a film on the Hubble telescope at the Minnesota Science Museum, and just visited with everyone. Quite a fun week actually.

Tuesday night he spent the night at my house. I figured at some point my coming out would come up, and we'd have 'the' conversation I'd been planning. But you know what? He never said anything about it. At first it kind of surprised me, since it was such a major part of my life, and he was acting like nothing had changed. And then it dawned on me, to him, nothing had changed. I was the same person I always had been. And that had a huge impact on me, and increased my love for him even more.

He had asked how my life had been since I'd talked to him last, and I said it was going. Not good, not bad. I still don't know if he ever read my post that I sent him about the suicide thing, but he cared enough to seriously ask how I was.

So I left it at that. Never brought anything up. Once he left, and I realized I never said anything about it, I thought about sending him a text thanking him again, or something like that, but then realized that nothing needed to be said. He did what he did, we had our words then, and nothing more needed to be done. But I still wish I could see him more. I might have to go to Indiana and visit him this year.

So that's the closest to a new years post as you're going to get from me. I'm not going to completely review the whole year like some people. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just lazy, and don't want to do it.

But I would like to thank you all that come here and read what I have to say. Comment or not, anonymous or not, you're here, and that means a lot to me. Thank you all.

Hope you guys are well.

143

_Kevin