So Happy Fucking Birthday, You're Not Special

Hey guys.

So. Um. Yeah...

I guess the first thing I want to say, is I hate snow! I used to love it as a kid, hoping I would get a snow day (technically, according to the school system, I never did), going sledding, building snow forts, snow ball fights with friends, and then coming inside to thaw with a warm cup of hot chocolate. But not anymore. For those of you that don't know, Minnesota just got hit with another 14+ inches of snow on Sunday. So for the last 3 days I've been shoveling. First at the BP. They called me in (it was my day off) to help with the shoveling. But with that much snow, you can't keep up. It's physically impossible. Then shoveling at home. And I helped my friend Paul shovel some of the houses he shovels. At least I made some money, but I HURT! I went to the chiro today and it was the best thing I have done all year.

Anyways, now that I got that off my chest, there is an event tomorrow (technically today since it's about 3 AM), that I'd like to talk about.

I'm not usually one to toot my own horn (ha, no pun), but tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be turning 21, but for the most part I don't care about that. What I do care about, is I'll also be turning 6.

Now I'm sure that you're confused by that. How could I be 21, and also be 6? Well there's a simple answer for that. Six years ago tomorrow, was when I got sober. I haven't talked much about it on here, but I've been sober since my 15th birthday.

Back when I was still in college, I had to write a paper on anything, but in a certain style known as Grammar B (google it). So I decided to write about myself getting sober. It's an interesting read, and I just reread it for the first time since I wrote it back in 09. I'd like to post it here to help give you guys a little insight into my world.

Junkie Man
February 23, 2005. The day that changed my life forever. It was the day I decided to get sober. I wasn't really sure how I had gotten to the point in my life I was at, but I wasn't happy with it. Was it my parents' fault? Was it society's fault? Was it my friends' fault? NO. Plain and simple, it was mine. I had made the decisions that led me to where I was. I had to accept that.
I was 15 years old, and fortunately could see where I was going if I kept doing what I was doing. I suppose with my family history, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Why not now? There is a long line of alcoholism in my family: My dad, his brother Keith, his brother Bruce, his step sister Kris, and a couple other people I don't know, so basically it was in my blood and I was fucked from day one, which isn't sooo bad because on the flip side, I knew how to get better if and when I wanted to.
OK. Enough of that. I woke up on my 15th birthday still fucked up from the night before. I had spent the night at my friend Wyatt's house, and was pretty sore from sleeping on his couch. I limped to the garage and smoked a cigarette. While I was sitting there smoking, I got to thinking. I was reflecting on my life up to that point, and didn't like what I saw. I had always been a good kid, but started doing drugs and drinking because it's what everyone else was doing. Once I started, I found that I was able to have a lot more fun hanging out with people. Pretty soon I was using every day and it really started to affect my life. I stopped going to school. I stopped hanging out with my friends I had known since kindergarten. And I only hung out with people who did drugs and drank. I wasn't doing anything with my life. It wasn't even that fun anymore.
So as I sat in Wyatt's garage I decided to make a change. I knew my dad had gotten sober, but wasn't really ready to talk to him about it yet. I then remembered that my friend Robin had gotten sober. Later that night I called Robin to talk to him about getting myself some help.

Robin: Hello?
Me: Hey Robin, it's Kevin.
Robin: Oh hey man, what's up?
Me: Well I think I want to get sober.
Robin: Really? That would be great.
Me: Yeah I think it's finally time to make a change in my life.
Robin: Do you feel like you have a problem with drugs or alcohol?
Me: Yeah.
Robin: OK. Why don't we get together tomorrow for coffee and talk some more?
Me: Sounds good. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks.
Robin: No problem. Later.

" 'Carol Anne' the beast is calling
'Carol Anne, Carol Anne' she can hear souls sing
'Carol Anne' the beast it needs you
Here it comes, here it comes
Reaching out somewhere from inside your TV"
-The Shining by The Misfits.

So I met with Robin, and we talked for a while and he said that if I wanted to, we could go to an AA meeting that night. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I agreed to go. It was the greatest decision I have ever made in my life. Robin picked me up and we drove to the meeting. Once there, he started introducing me to a bunch of people and was a bit overwhelmed. But they were all nice to me and was glad I was there. The meeting started, and I just sat and listened to what was going on around me. When it came time to split into small groups, Robin suggested I go to the first step meeting instead of the normal meeting (which I think was on the 4th step that night). Why is it called The Shining if it's about Poltergeist?
I went upstairs and sat down in the first step group. Most of the people there were around my age, maybe a little older, and most were in treatment. Somebody stood up front and told a little about what AA is and what the first step was. We then broke into more small groups and got a chance to talk about why we were there. Most kids were there because their parents had forced them into treatment. They weren't too happy. When it got to my turn, I said I was tired of using all the time and not having a life. It was all about the drugs and alcohol. They were pretty surprised that I was there by choice and only 15 years old, that day.
After the first step, I went outside for a smoke and Robin was already done with his group and was outside smoking with some friends. I walked over to them, and he introduced me. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with the group and I said sure. We went to eat and spent a couple hours just having good, clean, sober fun. It was a new experience for me, and it was really fun. It had been soooo long since I had gone out to dinner with friends sober, that I felt rather awkward at first, but the group helped me relax as the night went on.
Robin took me home later and asked if I wanted him to come pick me up next week. I thought about everything that had happened that night and said yeah that would be cool. He picked me up for the next two years until I got my license and could drive myself. I have been going to that meeting ever since that night, and after getting a sponsor (Robin), working the 12 steps, and trying to carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic, I haven't had to pick up a drink for 4 and a half years. I owe my life to the program, and to Robin for putting up with all the bull shit I put him through when I was too stubborn to listen to him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay him for what he did, but I'm going to try my best.
End.

It's a very quick glimpse, and incomplete to say the least. But it was the first time I had ever tried writing out that part of my life, and it was the best I could do. I don't mind talking about my life, but I find it hard to write it all out like that. Hence why my story (Listed M.I.A.) fell apart. Too much was based in reality for me to keep going. So if you're confused about what I'm talking about, please feel free to ask me. I'll do my best to answer.

For years sobriety was the biggest thing in my life. Pretty much everything I did revolved around the fact that I was sober. It was almost like, Hi I'm Kevin, and I'm sober. That was it. I got tired of that, and have since moved away a bit from it. I'm still sober, but I don't really go to AA meetings anymore. When I need it, I'll go, but I don't go every week or more like I used to. I got what I needed from there, and I know where it is if I need it again.

All my friends know I'm sober, and are cool with it. A lot of them don't believe me at first that I got sober at 15. 'How could you go through high school sober?' Easily. I just had to use the tools I learned to survive. Or they are surprised I don't partake once in a blue moon. But whatever. They get the benefit of a sober driver. Something my brother and his friends have taken advantage of many times. I can't think of how many DWI's and lives I've saved because of getting out of bed at 3-6 AM to pick someone up. Or being there partying just as hard as them, with only caffeine to keep me going, until after 10 AM before finally getting home. I think it's a small price to pay to keep people safe.

So, tomorrow when I turn 21 am I going to go get drunk? Just like 99% of the world does when they turn 21? Fuck no. When have I ever done what everyone else does? I've always gone against the grain to some extent, so why would this be any different? I'm going to go out to dinner with my parents and brother, and have a good burger. I'll probably buy a beer, because I can, but I'll give it to my mom or brother. The only thing I'm actually excited about turning 21 is that I'll be able to go to any concert I want. No more asking if it's 21+ and being let down. I can't count how many cool shows I've wanted to see that I couldn't go to. But no more! Otherwise, it's just another year.

Umm....I think I'm done for now. Sorry for the more lengthy post than normal, but I wanted to get this out there. It's not something I usually like to brag about, because I'm just as sober as the person with 24 hours, but at the same time, it's nice to acknowledge it so I do realize where I've come from, and what I've done.

Last year, when I turned 5, I had just gotten a new (old) Bad Religion album(is it weird how often I mention Bad Religion?). The album was released in 1988, but I had finally gotten it. I'd heard some of the songs, but not all. I was driving home from my meeting, and had the album on shuffle. A song came on, entitled 'When?' and the first line struck me harder than anything before. It fit everything so perfect.

'I've seen a lot of things in five years, I struggle just to hold back the tears'

It then goes on into a more political theme, but those first words seemed to describe what I was thinking at the time. I had been reflecting on my life, and there was so much emotion involved. The timing of the universe was perfect for one small moment in my life.

So that's my story in a very, very small nutshell. Like I said, if you have questions or want to know something, just ask. I'm basically an open book.

And now I'll leave you for now.

I hope every single one of you is well, and my thoughts go out to those of us who have recently left our community.

143

_Kevin


The song mentioned halfway through my essay (as a crot) for a point of reference.



'When?' by Bad Religion



'Junkie Man' by Rancid, from which I got the name for the paper.



And finally, the title of this post.