I'm Kevin and this is my life. I'm 22 years old, I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life while working a dead end job, and I'm gay.
Email is in my profile for MSN or whatever.
Somethings not right. I don't know exactly what it is, but I don't like it. For the last week or so, I've been having thoughts of suicide creep into my head. I've never been suicidal, and don't want to end my life. But lately, I've had these thoughts of how much easier things would be, no more bullshit, to just be at peace. But then I start thinking about it, and I know I don't want to die. But the thoughts keep coming back. I don't know what it's all about, but it's freaking me out. I know a lot of it has to do with being gay. Having to hide my true self from every single person that I know sucks. I'm surrounded by people, yet totally alone. I hate it. I feel like I can't be myself, ever. I'm living two lives. The one the world sees, and then the one here in the blog world. So I spend my nights on here, and end up staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning. Then go to bed, get up between 12 and 2, and put on a new face again. I know it's not healthy, but fortunately, I don't have many responsibilities right now, since I can't go to school. But soon my parents are going to make me get a job, and I just don't know what to think. I'm getting incredibly uneasy, and really want to get away. But the cabin is occupied, and Lynn and Doug's is too crazy for what I need right now. So I feel trapped not only in my mind, but in my location as well. I don't think it helps that Erik is leaving this fall, and all he is doing is getting the camper and stuff ready to leave. I would love to pack up and go with them, but I can't. Plus I'm going to lose my brother for at least six months. Over the past couple of years we've become really close and I like that. We didn't have a very good childhood together, but we've gotten past that now.
What sucks, is that the only person I actually know in person, that knows about me, lives in Utah and is going to school in Indiana. I don't want to bring any of this up to my parents, because I can't without explaining everything and coming out, which I just can't do yet. And I can't really seek help elsewhere without my parents knowing. So I'm turning to you guys, yet again, to help. I don't know what I'm expecting, or if there is even anything you can say, but I needed to get this out of my head and into the open. It feels like my head is going to explode soon, and it's driving me mad.
I don't know. I'm not going anywhere. But I'm scared.
This sums up a lot of it. http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/offspring/haveyouever.html
So Saturday, I get a frantic call from Kaija telling me to get to Garrett's place with my truck and a tow strap as soon as possible. She said Ian's car was stuck on a boulder. Now I was pretty confused, but she sounded pretty shook up, so I jumped in the truck and took off. What do I find when I get there?
Apparently, Ian had parked the car, left it in gear (it's a 5 speed), but didn't set the emergency brake. It popped out of gear and started rolling backwards. It came within an inch of hitting a tree, and then rolled right off the retaining wall, taking a rock down with it. The rock got stuck under the car, and there is sat.
A neighbor had lent them a jack, but it wasn't tall enough to lift the car off the rock, so I had to go home and grab my jack. Got back, jacked up the car, but we couldn't move the rock. The thing was just too heavy. So we got creative. I wrapped the tow strap around the rock, hooked it to the back of the truck, threw it in 4 low, and pulled. Popped out no problem.
The front bumper was still stuck on the wall, so I hooked the strap up to the back of their car and pulled it out too. It was an ordeal, and the police, as well as some annoying neighbors sticking their noses into things that they shouldn't, showed up. The neighbors were accusing us of doing something stupid at the time, and not taking the situation seriously and whatnot. The cop was cool though.
We were all just glad that no one was in the car at the time, especially the baby. After all the drama, we went inside and watched some tv, having some low-key fun.
That night, Erik and I went to the Slayer/Megadeth concert. Neither of us were incredibly excited about the show, but Erik won two free tickets from a radio station, so we figured why not. We both like Megadeth, but can only take 2 or 3 Slayer songs at a time, because it's pretty intense.
The show was actually really good, other than one stupid girl a couple rows in front of us. She was a small white girl, maybe 5'4". White wife beater, and a short mohawk to the top of her head. The rest of her hair was shaved, except at the very back of her head, she had her hair cut into a swastika. I can not figure out for the life of me why you would want to carve that into your head, and wear it like a badge of honor. That's not what the music is about, and just gives metal a bad name. We were pretty pissed off at her, and wished she was on the floor in the pit, so she could get her ass beat. But that didn't happen, so we tried to focus on the show instead.
After 3+ hours of really loud metal, and LOTS of headbanging, the show ended, but I ended up with a migraine (go figure). So I dropped Erik off at a friend's house for the night, and went home to bed. Woke up feeling much better though.
On Sunday, I hung out with Wyatt and a his friend Joe from work. Joe is currently in a band, and looking for a drummer. So Wyatt was talking me up really big, making me sound like the worlds greatest drummer. Now, I know that I am a pretty decent drummer, but I'm by no means the best, so it gets rather annoying when people do that. I don't like being put on a pedestal like that. So Joe and I jammed in Wyatt's room for a while. He was trying to teach me some of his songs, and was really impressed with how fast I picked them up and the stuff I was coming up with.
So after jamming for a bit, we went to their work, a bar, and hung out. They had some drinks, while I had a couple cokes. Joe and I got to talking, and he really wants me to audition for his band. So he gave me some cds of his songs, only guitar parts, and told me to learn them and to come up with some beats. I was really excited, because his music is a lot like Deftones, which is really fun stuff to play on the drums. Heavier than rock, but softer than metal. Somewhere in between. So I've been listening to those and trying to make some stuff up. It's nice to be challenged again. The stuff I play in E.M.P. is fun, but not too difficult. Hopefully things work out with it.
That's about it for now really. Pretty laid back week ahead, at least I hope so. The Minnesota State Fair starts this Thursday, which is ALWAYS a blast, and I think I'm going Saturday with Kaija, Ian, and Garrett. But I usually end up going at least 2 or 3 times, so I'm sure there will be more.
Hope you all are well.
143
_Kevin
For those of you who don't know, Dave Mustaine, who is the guitarist/vocalist for Megadeth, used to be the lead guitar player for Metallica before being kicked out of the band. He wrote a lot of their early material, and I think he did an amazing job. After being kicked out of Metallica, he created Megadeth, and this is what we got. This was one of their more 'radio popular' songs, but still bad ass.
Slayer, is just intense. But if you've ever played Guitar Hero 3, you've heard this song. While I'm not a big fan of the vocals, the drums are sweet.
So I ended up going up north to baby sit like I thought, although just Wednesday night til Friday night. They didn't need me Wednesday night, but I had to take Ryan to her drivers test at 8:30 Thursday morning, so we thought it would be easier if I got there the night before.
So I tried my best to go to bed early, which almost worked, but I kept waking up. So by the time my alarm went off at 6:30 I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep. Not a great start to the day. The test was about an hour drive away, so we had to leave by 7:30. I got up, made the ever important coffee, and went to wake up Ryan. She got up rather easily, but said she felt really sick. I just figured it was nerves, so I told her to get over it. Maybe 2 minutes later, she ran into the bathroom and threw up. OK, maybe it's not nerves. But she was determined, and I was already up, so we jumped in the car and started driving south.
She slept the whole way, and I struggled to stay awake. When we got close to the area, she called to get directions, since their website didn't have an actual address on it. Well the stupid lady on the other end gave us the wrong directions, so we got lost. After trying to regain my bearings, Ryan called back and got the right directions. We were getting close to her appointment time, but we made it just in time.
So I drive up to the window to check in, and they ask for all the paper work. I give it to her, and she says the insurance card is expired, and they need a valid one. Fuck. So I go park, call up the insurance company and explain the situation. Unfortunately, since I'm not on their policy, I'm not authorized to be given a card, so they can't fax one to the DMV. I tried explaining that both her parents were flying for work, and that I was babysitting them, but they wouldn't budge. She said she would try to call their agent and see if they would authorize it, but didn't sound to hopeful. Ryan and I spent the next 15 minutes pacing around smoking cigarettes, pissed as hell, and finally the insurance company calls back. The agent was nice enough to authorize me, and they faxed a new card over to the DMV.
So we go inside to get it, get back in the car, and off she goes on her test. Surprisingly, she passed. But since her parents weren't there to sign something, she couldn't drive yet. So she was still pissed off. And since her parents weren't coming home until the weekend, she has to wait until Monday before she can drive. Oh well.
Drive back up to their house, and I crash for a few hour nap. Woke up feeling much better, and hung out with the kids for the rest of the day.
Friday was pretty much the same, hanging around the house watching movies. It was REALLY humid outside, so we didn't want to go out.
I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to wait to post the rest of the weekend. But let me tell you, some interesting things happened, so be sure to check back.
Well I was telling DJ about a local Minneapolis band that some friends of mine are in, called Jose Bove. It's rather hard to explain what they sound like. Basically, it is two drummers, playing on the same set, going bat-shit crazy. And then some white noise thrown in the background for some reason. Seeing them live, you are bombarded with a wall of noise that shakes you to the core, and you don't exactly know what happened until it's over. It takes about 20-30 minutes for all of your senses to start working properly again.
Here are two pictures, so hopefully you can get an idea of what I'm talking about.
I doubt it will be anyone's cup of tea here, but I'll put a link up to their myspace so you can hear a track. But be warned, it's crazy. And it's better live.
http://www.myspace.com/josebove
Also, anyone know why I can't get the links to work? I click on blogger's little link button, insert the link address, but when I post it, there's nothing there. Not even text.
While I'm at it, I'll throw out some other good local bands that you guys could check out, if you want.
Mojo Spleens. Totally forgot to mention this one DJ. Surf punk. That's all I'll say.
http://www.myspace.com/themojospleens
One of my favorite bands of all time, Morris. And not Morris Day and the Time.
http://www.myspace.com/morrisblows
And lastly, The Big Wu. A great jam band, that puts on amazing shows.
Let me know what you think.
Oh yeah, the riddle of my last post. Brian, you said you figured out the meaning, but didn't share your idea. Oh well, I'll tell you anyways.
The first persona is basically the collective America that is sick and tired of the politicians making all these promises, and then not following through. They just mess things up worse, and then turn tail and leave. The second persona is that of the politician. He showed up, tried to do right, failed, and now has to face the destruction and hate. The chorus, I actually borrowed from a Bad Religion song. I doesn't exactly fit, but I liked it, and thought it worked. And it's also a little tribute to Bad Religion as well.
As for the title of the song, I'm not that surprised no one got it. Paula Ticks - politics, was the hint. If you sound it out, Dixie - Dick C - Dick Cheney. I got rather tired of everyone bitching about Bush in their songs, so thought I'd change it up. The song is about politicians in general, but I thought the name worked.
So that's it. Potentially babysitting tomorrow until Friday, I'm on call, so I might not be around too often. I get internet up there, but it depends if the kids are driving me out of my mind or not.
So I wrote another song. I think this one is better than the last that I wrote, however, dealing with a different subject. Trying to write discretely about being gay is rather hard. So for now I've abandoned that idea. But to make things slightly more complicated (here I go again), there is a double meaning behind the song. I'm sure the first one, or the surface meaning, is pretty easy to figure out. But I think the deeper meaning is harder to get, which is what I wanted.
Let me know what you think. And if you're wondering, the title is a play on words. I'll give you a hint though, Paula Ticks. And if you're a little confused, the first 4 lines of the verses are one persona, then the next 4 lines are another persona. Hence the conflicting view-points.
DIXIE ~~~~~
Deception, corruption, we follow with blind faith You led us through the storm, left us all with empty plates For months on end, you built up these lies Now I can't wait to see the light leave your eyes.
When I came here I was looking for acceptance I tried my best so you'd like me and we'd be alright Now that the dust has settled you want me dead But I don't know how I lost this fight
So where is the justice when no one is at fault and a human life is tragically wasted?
How fragile is the flame that burns within us all to light each passing day?
We tried to help you out and to make things work But you kept building the lies like some self-righteous jerk Left to pick up the pieces of our shattered place While you go back to fuel your fucking face
Was it really that bad? Did I do so wrong? I did my best to stay all so strong You look at me and see a dirty old clown Acting like I wore a big jeweled crown
So where is the justice when no one is at fault and a human life is tragically wasted?
How fragile is the flame that burns within us all to light each passing day?
oh I get it, you want sympathy from us? Well then here, I'll give you a clip full of pity. You pull the trigger, watch as it spins Wait for the impact and don't make a fuss.
Well you're in luck, it's time to go I'll get out before you throw that fatal blow Say all you want in your stupid little flow But know when it's over, I stole the show.
So where is the justice when no one is at fault and a human life is tragically wasted?
How fragile is the flame that burns within us all to light each passing day?
So again, let me know what you think. Good, bad, ugly, whatever. I look forward to hearing your feedback, and who can figure out the title.
I also put my email address in my info section. Shoot me an email, hit me up on MSN, whatever's clever.
Hope all is well.
143
_Kevin
Oh yeah, we got some pictures back from the photographer. This is my favorite so far. I'm in the lower left.
This has been one of those weeks where it feels like I've done nothing, and everything at the same time. I can't believe it's already Friday night either.
Last weekend, I went up to Lynn and Doug's house to hang out. They were both in town, so I didn't need to baby sit. I went up Friday night and then came home Saturday night. Just a quick little trip to clear my head. It was around this time that the whole JJ/Richard thing came to light, and I just couldn't process everything. So I did what I always do. Jumped in the truck and got out of here as fast as I could.
Not a whole lot happened up there, just some relaxing and time to think, which is what I wanted.
Sunday, my family went over to my grandparents house to celebrate Erik's and my dad's birthdays. We started off with some water skiing and then had a nice salmon dinner. My grandpa's boat motor broke earlier that week, but one of his neighbors was nice enough to let us use theirs. Unfortunately, it was a wake boarding boat, so it had a huge wake. Made it rather difficult to cut across, but we managed. But the next day Erik, my dad, and I were all feeling the extra strain on our muscles from having to work harder. Pretty low-key weekend which was nice.
Monday night Erik asked to borrow my truck to go pick up a camper. He and Demian are going to travel around the country for a few months starting in October, and have been looking at campers for a while. They finally found one they liked in their price range, so they bought it. It's a 1972 19 foot tow camper. I wasn't too excited about it when I first saw it, but now that I've been in it and gotten used to it, I really like it. And they've made it really nice inside considering they only paid $800 for it. Although, it does seem to be a hippie mobile. Lots of band stickers, black lights, tie-dye, and whatnot. But their dirty hippies, so I wouldn't expect anything less.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty boring, same old stuff.
On Thursday the band went to a photo shoot that Wyatt's ex-girl friend had paid for as a christmas gift to us last year. We weren't really excited, but it was free so we went along. It was rather awkward for us, trying to pose in the pictures, but we made it work. I think we look better when we're playing music instead of standing in a dark basement next to a brick wall. Oh well. We should get the pictures back Sunday or Monday, so we'll see how it turned out. If they don't suck, I'll post some on here.
Today I went and played a round of frisbee golf with Cory, but when we were about half way through, it started pouring. So we ran back to the truck and headed home. Cory went home, and I started helping Erik and Demian get the camper ready for the weekend. They are currently on their way to East Troy, Wisconsin to go see Phish play. They're playing Saturday and Sunday night, so Erik and D thought it would be a great test trip with the camper. So we were getting the finishing touches ready. Installing a stereo and speakers, last minute cleaning, stocking the fridge with beer, all that kind of stuff. 5 or 6 of their friends were going with, so once everyone got to my house and had their stuff loaded, they took off. I think they finally left around 10:30. And since it's a 6 hour drive, they should be getting there around 4-5 in the morning tomorrow. But they're young and resilient, so it shouldn't be a problem.
They had to take my truck so they could tow the camper, which means I originally got screwed out of a vehicle. They also took the mini van to fit all the other people. But then Demian said I could have his 1979 El Camino for the weekend. Which is AWESOME! I know it's kind of a redneck car (sorry Gabe), but I love this thing. I don't have a picture, but it's a deep purple, almost brown color. It has a fuel injected 350 from a 90's camaro, and a 5 speed manual transmission, so it's really fast and powerful, but still gets good gas mileage. D said he gets between 25 and 30 mpg on the highway. Pretty good for having 350ish horsepower.
So that gets to be my toy for the weekend. I think I'll find ways to entertain myself :-P
Not much going on around here, so I think it'll be low-key again. Might play some more disc tomorrow if the weather is nice. We'll see.
Well that's about it. I hope everyone is well, and things are going fine.
143
_Kevin
I couldn't find a good enough quality live version, so here's the studio version instead.
Wow, where has the time gone? I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last posted.
Really the only thing worth mentioning since then was my brother's birthday. Last Saturday he turned 23, so we and a group of friends went up to the cabin to have a party. It was me, Erik, Demian, Yogi, BooBoo, and Gander. Yes, our group has weird choices in nicknames. Others, not related to the story, include Tripper, Stormy, Swamp-swamp thing-or swampy (my brother), and Mmmmmmbop (me, reluctantly). Anyways.
Erik took Friday off from work, and we were going to head up later that night once everyone else got off work. So we spent the day running around doing errands and whatnot, and also looking for a present for him, from me. I didn't know what to get him, and he said he wanted a new hat, so we looked at a few different stores trying to find a good one. Sadly, we couldn't, so I still owe him something. He wanted a fedora type hat, but couldn't find one that was right.
Six o'clock rolled around and everyone was done working. We picked up Demian, while the bears met at Gander's house. One of their friends is in the hospital in a drug induced coma from a brain hemorrhage, so we made a stop there first to go visit him. Since I didn't know him, and we didn't want to pay for parking, I stayed in the car and drove around while they were inside. It was pretty sad and hard for them, but we continued on. We met up with the other guys and started the drive north. It was me, Erik, and D in our van, and then the bears and Gander in his car.
After all the dicking around, we finally got to the cabin around midnight, and then the party commenced. We unloaded everything, started playing some music, and the alcohol and other 'substances' started flowing. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say, they know how to have a good time. We played a couple games of Farkle, an interesting dice game, and then went outside and had a bonfire. It was great to just hang out and shoot the shit with everyone and have a good time. Since I only had caffeine to fuel me on, I went to bed around 5:30 in the morning. I don't know how much longer they stayed up at the fire.
I woke up around 11, and heard a lot of noise upstairs. Somehow, they were all up and cooking breakfast, looking relatively good. I was expecting them to be slow going that early, but they were in better shape than me somehow. We ate our eggs, bacon, and sausage, and then went to get the boat working. We still hadn't put it in the water since we re carpeted it, because the lights didn't work right. So after Erik ripped it apart, we went into town to get the parts we needed. Got back to the cabin and wired everything up. Got them working pretty painlessly. Next, we had to drive the boat to the landing and put it in the water.
Since it was his actual birthday, they had already been drinking for a while, so I became the designated driver for the whole weekend. OK. Except I had only driven with a trailer once before, and it was in my truck, not the mini van. Erik's directions to the landing weren't exactly right, so I had to make a fair amount of u-turns with the trailer. Trying to turn around a 25 foot pontoon boat on a trailer behind a mini van on a road that's only 1.5-2 lanes wide sucks. But needless to say, I got very good very fast at backing a trailer. We finally found the landing, and got the boat in the water. Erik and D went in the boat back to the cabin, and I drove the van back.
Once there, we loaded everything up on the boat, food, pop, beer, brandy, cigarettes, and the ever important stereo setup from Demian's trike. I can't remember if I've described that yet, but it's a nice cedar box he made, with a car battery, car cd player, and two 6x9 speakers. It is louder than most cars when on land, and even more so when on the water.
We set off, with nowhere in mind. We spent an hour or so just cruising around enjoying the beautiful weather and good music. We decided to go to the island and go swimming. The island isn't really that big, just big enough for one campsite. We beached the boat and jumped in the water. Surprisingly, the water was really warm, around 70-75 degrees. Normally the water is around 60, so we were pleasantly surprised. We spent another couple hours there, before slowly making our way back to the cabin for dinner. After dinner we had another fire, but they were all struggling from the night before, so we went to bed around 2.
Sunday, again they were all up before me making breakfast. After that, we loaded up the boat and went fishing. We didn't catch a single thing, but just being out there was fun. Although, I'm sure the loud music and drunken singing didn't help. We ended up going to Famous Dave's for lunch. Now normally, that isn't a big deal, but the first, original Famous Dave's is on the same lake, and has a wonderful view of the lake from the patio, so it was a great experience. My family doesn't usually go there, because we like to cook ourselves, but every once and a while we'll go, and it's great every time.
Not my picture, but the same view.
After that, it was more fishing. Still didn't catch anything, but we were too full to care. Around 6 we headed back and started cleaning the cabin up. The bears and Gander had to leave early, so they left around 7. We stayed up a little longer and enjoyed the rest of the day. We finally hit the road about 9.
Since Erik and D had been drinking, doing other 'things', and not sleeping much, they slept the entire car ride home. Leaving me to listen to music, drink Mountain Dew, and try not to hit any deer or anything else on the way back. We dropped D off at his place, and then went home. We got there a little before 12 AM. We quickly unloaded the car, and then went inside and straight to bed.
Overall, it was a great weekend full of great times and memories. I can't wait to get the pictures from D.
Now just to clear things up a bit, Erik and his friends aren't huge druggies, or addicts. They like to smoke pot, and occasionally do other things, but only on special occasions like this. So I don't want you guys freaking out about all the drug use or anything. I'm comfortable with it, and they all keep it under control.
Anyways, that's about it. The only other thing I wanted to say is that it seems like my body is falling apart. For the last 2-3 weeks my migraines have been getting worse. I've suffered from them my entire life. For a while we had them under control, where I was maybe getting one once a month. But these last few weeks it's been every 2-3 days I get one. So that is driving my out of my fucking mind. Also, one of my fillings fell out last night, so I have to go to the dentist to get that fixed, which sucks.
I haven't been on good terms with him since January 2009, when I had my wisdom teeth out. He gave me vicodin after, but it wasn't working. So then he gave me percocet, right after the vicodin. I had 4 pills of vicodin in my system after 6 hours, and then 20 minutes later he gave me 2 percocet. Well that didn't end well. I started throwing up, and continued to 8 times over the next 5 hours. It got to the point where my mom was force feeding me teaspoons of warm water, and I couldn't keep it down. My dentist said if I couldn't get any amount of water in me within the next half an hour, I would have to go to the hospital. Great. Finally I was able to start keeping minuscule amounts down, and he wasn't worried. I still probably should have gone to the hospital though.
Of course, since I was throwing up so much, I got dry sockets. Where the blood clot in the socket of the tooth comes out, and it is extremely painful. But I couldn't keep any pain pills down. So I went through the next 48 hours with no drugs, hardly any water, no food, horrible sleep, and LOTS of pain. And I lost 15 pounds in 3 days. Was not what I wanted to do. So after I recovered from all that, I went in, he took the stitches out, and I haven't been back since. But now I have to. So we'll see how that goes. I'll let you guys know.
I still have a lot of back pain, although it's slowly getting better. And it feels like I have no energy the last couple weeks. So I think my body is falling apart, and with the headaches, like I'm dying. It hasn't been fun, but fortunately, I was fine over the weekend. I started to get a headache Sunday night on the drive home, but got to bed early enough where it went away.
Wow. That was a lot. And I feel like I just did a lot of complaining. Oh well. It's my blog, and my life. Sorry if I just bored the hell out of you.
Well it's almost 4 AM, so I should probably get to bed. I had a headache tonight, so I took some Excedrin. Usually works pretty good on the headache, but the caffeine keeps me awake for a long time. Which is funny, because caffeine in pop and coffee doesn't really affect me, unless I drink a LOT. Well coffee does more, but whatever. Either way I knew I'd be up late, and figured I'd jump on here.
So I'll leave you with some AIC, or Alice In Chains. Besides the music as a whole being awesome, I love the way Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell's voices harmonize with each other. If you don't know them, I highly suggest checking them out.
What the hell, I'll give you two.
This was from one of their last shows with vocalist Layne Staley. No Excuses.
I hope everyone out there is well, and those having difficult times can get through them. And remember, there are people here who care for and about you. You are not alone.
