Somethings not right. I don't know exactly what it is, but I don't like it. For the last week or so, I've been having thoughts of suicide creep into my head. I've never been suicidal, and don't want to end my life. But lately, I've had these thoughts of how much easier things would be, no more bullshit, to just be at peace. But then I start thinking about it, and I know I don't want to die. But the thoughts keep coming back. I don't know what it's all about, but it's freaking me out. I know a lot of it has to do with being gay. Having to hide my true self from every single person that I know sucks. I'm surrounded by people, yet totally alone. I hate it. I feel like I can't be myself, ever. I'm living two lives. The one the world sees, and then the one here in the blog world. So I spend my nights on here, and end up staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning. Then go to bed, get up between 12 and 2, and put on a new face again. I know it's not healthy, but fortunately, I don't have many responsibilities right now, since I can't go to school. But soon my parents are going to make me get a job, and I just don't know what to think. I'm getting incredibly uneasy, and really want to get away. But the cabin is occupied, and Lynn and Doug's is too crazy for what I need right now. So I feel trapped not only in my mind, but in my location as well. I don't think it helps that Erik is leaving this fall, and all he is doing is getting the camper and stuff ready to leave. I would love to pack up and go with them, but I can't. Plus I'm going to lose my brother for at least six months. Over the past couple of years we've become really close and I like that. We didn't have a very good childhood together, but we've gotten past that now.
What sucks, is that the only person I actually know in person, that knows about me, lives in Utah and is going to school in Indiana. I don't want to bring any of this up to my parents, because I can't without explaining everything and coming out, which I just can't do yet. And I can't really seek help elsewhere without my parents knowing. So I'm turning to you guys, yet again, to help. I don't know what I'm expecting, or if there is even anything you can say, but I needed to get this out of my head and into the open. It feels like my head is going to explode soon, and it's driving me mad.
I don't know. I'm not going anywhere. But I'm scared.
This sums up a lot of it. http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/offspring/haveyouever.html
143
_Kevin
Geometric Wallpaper Design Patterns
4 years ago
I'm sorry you are having these feelings. I hope you can find a safe way past them. I understand your situation but right now I can't offer a solution. Just stick with it, things will get better. You are really just starting out on your life.
ReplyDeleteMaybe getting a job would be a good thing. It will give you something to do other than dwell in your own thoughts. It sounds to me like you need more activity in your life. I hope you can find a job you like doing.
I am very sorry you are feeling this way, and from someone that has attempted to cross that line (5 times and couting lol) I am not going to lie to you and say it will get better, but I can say things will eventually get easier and you will learn to live with these situations.
ReplyDeleteFrom someone that has run away from situations like yours (4 times and counting). There is nothing stopping you from leaving except you.
Whatever decision you make, I wish you all the best.
Oh Sticky i just know there is alot of peeple that love you and alot if us on here that do to. You are a super cool and nice guy and if you did that it woud be bad for alot of peeple. Maybe write another song becuse when it gets crazy in my head and well it does kind of alot i just draw someting or play on my guitar and it helps. You beter be there Saturday i will be draging my uncle all over the place hehe
ReplyDeleteDJ
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteThe best gift that is given to every one of us when we are born is the ability to control our own destiny. We're also given the choice to just sit back and live off of consequences, if that's what we want, letting the chips fall as they may. So YOU are the only one who controls what you'll become, so in a way, you are indeed alone...and all of the other 6 billion people on earth are also alone. My suggestion would be to just try to enjoy the game (life), take chances, try new things, go somewhere you've never been. Put this whole "coming out" thing on the back burner for a while.
Life doesn't stop...the gas peddle and the brakes are off limits, but you have full control of the steering wheel.
Paul
hey kid... you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, that is adding to the pressure that is already there... the stuff that closeted gay people deal with, every day...
ReplyDeleteDon't ever underestimate what the constant, grinding intolerance can do to a guy that is sensitive... And, maybe I'm stereotyping here a bit- I don't really know you, but, I grew up exposed to a lot of musicians, and, it seems to me that most of the real good ones were kind of manic... One day was unbelievable, a few days later, the world was shit... These were str8 guys... well, as far as I could tell!! lol I was, kind of young!!
Add the pressure of not fitting in, to that sensitivity, and you have the potential, over time, that the dam will burst... Your strategy should be to take the pressure off... If you can't come out, right now, then, you're going to have to stop caring about what other people think, at least, as it relates to your orientation...
You were put on this earth for a reason... I don't believe, for a second, that it was all a big mistake. You have a gift, a rare talent, that you must not waste... It can be the source of great pleasure and comfort for lots of young people, and, even a few older ones, with open minds!! lol I think you need to put things into perspective, and step back a little... Count your blessings, as they say-- stop beating yourself up for the way that you were born!! Don't hang around people that want to do that for you... Reach out to someone in pain, and refocus-- you have a long road ahead!! Get out there and make the world a better place with the talent that God gave you. The world would be a poorer place without you!! luv, tman<3